Sketchy animal performance enhancers
January, 30, 2013
By DJ Gallo | ESPN.com
Christian Charisius/AFP/Getty ImagesIf you're in need of some mad hops, how about a dose of toe of frog?The Ray Lewis deer-antler spray story is still in the “alleged” stage -- if there is such a stage anymore for athletes and performance enhancers. But one thing we do all know from the report of Lewis’ involvement with SWATS (Sports with Alternatives to Steroids) is this: Athletes will put even the weirdest thing in their body if they think it will help get them an advantage.
So here at Playbook we decided to take advantage of this insane athlete market and release our own line of sketchy animal-based “performance enhancers.” Below is our initial line of products. Place your order -- products you desire, home address and credit card number -- in the comments.
Eye of newt: Newts are (possibly) known for their amazing eyesight. By chewing just a few of these newt eyeballs, you’ll develop remarkable field/court vision. And even if not, eating newt eyeballs will leave you with nasty newt-eye breath, ensuring defenders stay far away from you! “How do you get so wide open all the time?” people will ask you. “Just my natural skills!” you’ll say -- (newt eye) wink (newt eye) wink.
Toe of frog: Frogs can jump crazy high and eating their toes allows you to ingest their explosiveness! Soon you’ll be jumping over the opposition and batting down balls with your long tongue. Best of all: Frog toes are small and easy to take without anyone noticing.
Unicorn-horn spray: You’ve probably heard about deer-antler spray, but that’s so early part of Super Bowl week 2013. Unicorn-horn spray is the new hotness. “But unicorns don’t exist!” you say. Ha! How wrong you are! Our contacts in North Korea breed unicorns exclusively for us and send us unicorn-horn spray on the reg. How do you think Kim Jong-il became such a great athlete? Loading up on unicorn-horn spray, of course!
Cheetah skin: Lost a step? Want to put up a 4.2 time in the 40? There’s only one way to get faster: Tape a cheetah to your back! Our cheetah skin strips come with an adhesive strip for easy back application and are designed to give you the feel of the world’s fastest land mammal!
Pufferfish nuggets: Pufferfish is incredibly toxic when eaten. Fry up our pufferfish nuggets and serve them to your opposition! Soon their internal organs will start shutting down and you’ll dominate the game while they're retching and rolling around in excruciating pain!
A-Rod scrapings: Collected from the Manhattan salon where Alex Rodriguez makes his exfoliation appointments, these A-Rod scrapings are chock-full of every kind of performance-enhancing drug known to man. Just place one A-Rod scraping under your tongue, let it absorb and you’ll be putting up eye-popping numbers in no time!