It is the best of times. It is the worst of times. It is the Super Bowl. The climax signaling the end of another football season is a treacherous one for sports fans. Stale story lines, bloated commercials breaks and, worst of all, non-football fans who don't realize they're to be seen and not heard can sully what should be the greatest sports day of the year.

So this year, I called in friend and drifter Mike Camerlengo, who gave me a number of things to watch for during the game to keep my interest. Some people call these "props." I prefer the term "natural selection." Baby needs a new set of grills.

Super Bowl Props

• The real voice behind the national anthem: Alicia Keys +200, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo -400

• Ray Lewis rides a deer onto the field during pregame warm-ups: -300

• Colin Kaepernick gets a tattoo on the sideline during the game: +150

• Alex Smith passes out his résumé at halftime: Even

• Joe Montana dances during the halftime show wearing Shape-ups: +300

• Gregg Williams gives a halftime speech putting a bounty on Roger Goodell: -400

• Joe Flacco falls asleep while calling out the snap count: Even

• Over/under: CBS promos for shows that feature crime, mystery or a laugh track: 22.5

• Over/under: Turnovers caused by women flashing for beads in the stands: 1.5

• The Harbaugh brothers switch sidelines without anybody knowing: +250

• Bernard Pollard hurts a member of the Patriots: -130

• Randy Moss actually moons the crowd after a TD: +1000

This article is sponsored by Stop Hurting Deer For Their Antler Spray And Stuff.