Improve your signing day announcement!

February, 6, 2013
2/06/13
11:34
AM ET
NkemdicheDale Zanine/USA TODAY SportsTop recruit Robert Nkemdiche's hat and suspenders are nice, but he could've taken it a bit further.
The national signing day tradition of putting a hat on is tired. Recruits can do better. If they want to really stand out and make a name for themselves during 11 hours of signing coverage, they need to start being more creative. They need to consider new ideas like these.

Tattoo reveal -- Putting on a hat is easy. Painless. But telling the world your decision by revealing a giant full-torso tattoo of your new school’s logo shows dedication. A new tattoo can also help you cover up any earlier verbal-commitment tattoos you may have etched into your flesh and now regret.

Snuggie reveal -- Why is America great? Because we can get a Snuggie of our favorite college team. There’s no reason for a recruit to limit his new school spirit to headwear when his entire body can be stylishly ensconced in school colors. Most announcements are made in the morning anyway, so this method doesn’t force a recruit to change out of his jammies.

Interpretive dance -- Oh, so football players are stupid, uncultured meatheads? People will have to change their tune when recruits begin announcing their decisions via interpretive dance. Why, is that a dance depicting the excitement and drama of the Land Run of 1889? That recruit must be committing to the Oklahoma Sooners! Is that a dance full of nothing but textbook football moves? We’ve got ourselves a new Alabama player.

Comedy roast -- We roast those we love -- and a recruit loves little more than his college of choice. So why not announce the decision with a good old-fashioned comedy roast featuring classic -- yet cutting-edge -- jokes like these?

“Yeah, I like coach because he doesn’t put on airs. He has enough problems putting on his pants!” [rim shot from the high school jazz band’s drummer]

“No, coach is really smart. He often has something on his mind ... but only when he wears his headset!” [rim shot]

“I don’t want to say this team stunk last year, but I hear they’re thinking of changing their mascot to a skunk!” [rim shot]

“OK, you’ve been a great crowd, ladies and gentlemen. I’m going to Kansas.”

Telegraph announcement -- Fax machines? Pfft. If we’re going retro, go all the way back. Telegraph that letter of intent in. That would get plenty of publicity. “I plan to go to” -- stop -- “Ole Miss” -- stop. No doubt there are still many telegraphs in use in SEC country anyway, so this one shouldn’t be a problem.

Carrier pigeon announcement -- Forget telegraphs. Too modern. Roll up a letter of intent into one of those little pigeon scroll carriers and send it forth from the window. Fly! Fly to Hugh Freeze and tell him the glad tidings!

Twitter announcement -- Or scrap the fax machine, telegraph and pigeons -- humanely scrap the pigeons, of course – and go modern with Twitter. Everyone knows that the worth and importance of a man in today’s world is measured solely by how many Twitter followers he has. Recruits can use national signing day as a way to build their follower count. Recruits should say they will announce their decision exclusively on Twitter. Or, better yet: send out tweets committing to every school in the country -- “I’m going to Alabama” ... “I’m going to Virginia Tech” ... “I’m going to Tulsa” -- but only go to the school whose tweet gets retweeted the most. Sure, a recruit could get stuck going to a school he doesn’t want to attend, but every school has books and helmets. The important thing is adding Twitter followers no matter how transparent or demeaning the method.

Note: Please tweet out a link to this column and follow me at @DJGalloESPN if you agree. Or disagree. Or are ambivalent.

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