Dennis Rodman, Secretary of State?

February, 27, 2013
2/27/13
10:09
AM ET
Dennis RodmanJim Rogash/Getty Images

Given Dennis Rodman's credentials, he would obviously make a great secretary of state.

Diplomacy fans no doubt saw the news this week about new Secretary of State John Kerry making his first major gaffe on the job. For those not in a fantasy statesmen league who don’t know what happened, Kerry said the U.S. is working closely with “Kyrzakhstan.” Good job, USA! Right? Yes, except for the fact that no such country exists. (Manti Te’o-related joke goes here.)

Interestingly enough, at the very same time we learned of Mr. Kerry strengthening our ties with an invented land, Dennis Rodman was on a diplomatic mission to North Korea. One guy is making a speech about nothing, the other has basketball shoes on the ground in a global hot spot.

It is not too late for President Obama to remove Kerry from the State Department and give the world Secretary of State The Worm. No one is better-suited for the job than Rodman.

Rodman is understanding of different cultures

Look at the way he dresses. Look at his many different styles of hair. Secretary of State Rodman would never prejudge other people because of how they might look or dress. Not even the citizens of the world’s most bizarre, corrupt and debauched society: the country of Kyrzakhstan.

Rodman can be tough

Does Rodman have a live-and-let-live approach to life? Sure. But he will also stand his ground and protect American interests. Get in the way of the USA and Rodman will stomp you down. Know this, Putin.

Rodman will fight for women’s rights

Hillary Clinton worked tirelessly to advance women’s issues around the globe during her time as secretary of state. Rodman fits nicely into a wedding gown. Maybe it’s not a one-to-one comparison, sure, but until we see Kerry dress in drag, Rodman is a clear winner between the two in at least making an effort to understand women.

Rodman will be a champion for children

Picture: American cargo planes dropping copies of “Dennis the Wild Bull” over villages, towns and cities across the globe. Billions being able to read passages like this:

Yes, Dennis was proud to be different
And glad in his heart to be free
For life’s secret he knew
Was to like being you
And he liked being he … differently


We would see peace in our time.

Rodman will be the face of America

A secretary of state is required to be the face of America overseas. He or she must feel comfortable in front of a crowd. Have you seen Mr. Kerry speak? He is not exactly engaging. Whereas Rodman has extensive experience making sure events go smoothly. A soiree with European Union members is not much different than DJing at a Holiday Inn in Mechanicsburg, Pa. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar -- and is likely Kyrzakhstani.

Make the change, President Obama. Dennis Rodman is change we can believe in. Or at least change we can be entertained by.

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