Playbook's MLB predictions: March/April

March, 30, 2013
3/30/13
6:06
AM ET
dj576Kurt Snibbe/ESPN
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Who will be the breakout teams? What players will make the biggest headlines? If only there was a way to see how the entire regular season goes down.

Another baseball season is upon us and hope springs eternal. Well, it does for fans outside of New York, Houston and Miami, of course.

Lucky you. What follows are the biggest headlines from the 2013 season. Month by month, day by day, every ... single ... day.

If you want to let the 2013 season play out as it normally does, then DO NOT read this. But if you want to know all the big news now, then read on. This is your last spoiler alert. You're about to read the 2013 season.

OK. Here we go.

March 31: The Rangers beat the Astros 5-2 in the MLB opener, giving Houston a promising 0-0-1 start to the season. MLB allows the Astros to play the 2013 season with a special third category in their win-loss record to mark moral victories, in hopes that it will help keep the team’s spirits up during six long months of unrelenting humiliation.

April 1: Mike Trout hits a bases-clearing triple in the Angels’ first game of the season, completing shedding all of the weight he gained in the offseason during his high-speed sprint to third.

April 2: MLB announces the start of All-Star voting, giving fans the opportunity to honor the best players of the first 24 hours of the season.

April 3: Kevin Youkilis strikes out to end the game as the Yankees lose to Boston. An ecstatic Youkilis joins the Red Sox on the field to celebrate and is forced to remind the media after the game that he “will always be a Red Sox.”

April 4: After an 0-for-4 performance in another Yankee loss, Youkilis apologizes and backtracks on his statement of the previous day, saying that “he’ll be a Yankee for life, too, unless they release me soon because of my poor play. In that case, it would be totally awesome to get picked up by the Red Sox, who are my one true love.”

April 5: Toronto announces its biggest and most exciting deal of the year: the acquisition of former Expos mascot Youppi.

April 6: The Reds have internal discussions again about where to put Aroldis Chapman. After failing to come to an agreement, a compromise is reached in which Chapman becomes Cincinnati’s utility infielder.

April 7: For the eighth consecutive day, college football star Johnny Manziel is spotted sitting behind home plate during a nationally televised game.

April 8: Giancarlo Stanton announces he is changing his name again, this time to John Smith. “I am proud to be a Stanton,” he says, “But I don’t want to tarnish the family name or embarrass my loved ones by having it associated with the Marlins.”

April 9: Six days after his first start of the season, Roy Halladay’s fastball finally crosses home plate.

April 10: Boston’s sellout streak ends at 794 games.

April 11: The Red Sox announce that, in addition to cheaper beer, they are lowering their average ticket price to $674.95.

April 12: After an 0-10 start, the Yankees win their first game of the season 1-0 behind a two-hit shutout from CC Sabathia. Derek Jeter goes 0-for-4 in his return from the disabled list and has two errors, but is credited with leading the Yankees to victory because, you know … he's Derek Jeter.

April 13: Jose Altuve, Houston’s only major league hitter, is intentionally walked for the 30th time in the short season.

April 14: Ryan Braun is caught on television injecting a suspicious substance into his arm in the dugout during a game. But he avoids any punishment on a technicality thanks to a small typo in the report issued by Major League Baseball.

April 15: Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is caught slashing the tires of cars in the fan parking lot at the Marlins' stadium.

April 16: Excited by Toronto’s 11-3 start, Blue Jays fans start having "celebrating" with the drapes open again in the Rogers Centre hotel rooms.

April 17: Several teams cut aging veterans who have gotten off to poor starts. The Yankees sign all of them to three-year deals.

April 18: The Cubs announce they have received funding from the state of Illinois that will allow them to clean a few of the bathrooms at Wrigley Field.

April 19: Fenway Park security remove a man from the Red Sox bench who claimed to be a coach, but turned out to be Bobby Valentine in disguise.

April 20: The Texas Rangers place catcher A.J. Pierzynski on the disabled list with a hand laceration. Pierzynski reportedly punched a mirror after getting a glimpse of A.J. Pierzynski in it.

April 21: Toronto pitcher Mark Buehrle spends a heartwarming day at Niagara Falls with his pit bull.

April 22: Desperate for attention, unemployed reliever Brian Wilson runs onto the field during play at AT&T Park wearing nothing but his beard.

April 23: The Marlins get swept by the Twins to fall to 5-16 on the season. Manager Mike Redmond responds to calls for his dismissal by stressing that “If it helps any, I don’t respect Fidel Castro. Maybe that will buy me a few more weeks?”

April 24: With cheaper tickets and discounted beer failing to lure fans to Fenway Park, the Red Sox announce they will begin giving away free Zoloft to the first 10,000 fans in attendance.

April 25: Toronto starter R.A. Dickey throws the first perfect game in Blue Jays history, shutting the Yankees down on just 75 pitches. Dickey’s performance fails to make the local news, however, because of the Maple Leafs’ overtime loss to the Florida Panthers -- a point that earns the franchise its first playoff spot since 2004.

April 26: The Dodgers and Angels get a really sick feeling in their stomachs when the big-spending Lakers are swept in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

April 27: Halladay throws several fastballs slated for arrival on his next start on May 1.

April 28: Dodgers starter Josh Beckett has his best outing of the season, shooting a 74 at Riviera.

April 29: The Yankees get Mark Teixeira and Curtis Granderson back from the disabled list far earlier than expected, as both players say they couldn’t stand spending an extended amount of time in the same place as A-Rod.

April 30: Because of a 14.20 ERA through his first four starts, the Giants pull Tim Lincecum from their rotation and make him the highest-paid batboy in major league history.

• Click here to go to May »

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