Playbook's MLB predictions: June

March, 30, 2013
3/30/13
6:04
AM ET
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June 1: The Yankees fire Joe Girardi and replace him with Ozzie Canseco in hopes he can bring Yankees greats back to 2013.

June 2: Ozzie Canseco reveals that, unlike his twin brother, he is unable to travel through time. The Yankees lose again and fall to 16-41 on the season.

June 3: Some player is declared “baseball’s zaniest character” because he has lots of facial hair.

June 4: Bryce Harper legally changes his name to Brah Harper, but no one can really mock him for it because he is 20 years old and hitting .378.

June 5: Yankees general manager Brian Cashman says “screw it,” does the inevitable and signs Manny Ramirez.

June 6: Day 1 of the 2013 Major League Baseball draft is held, and the Astros immediately fly all of their picks to Oakland and put them in uniform for that night’s game against the A's.

June 7: Kate Upton is spotted at Comerica Park to watch Justin Verlander pitch against the Indians.

June 8: The Detroit Tourism Bureau launches a new marketing slogan titled “Detroit: Visit and You Might See Kate Upton.”

June 9: Detroit mayor Dave Bing announces that all of the city’s hotel rooms have been booked through 2017.

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June 10: A Giants-Pirates game goes to the 19th inning, forcing San Francisco to pitch Tim Lincecum and making him the first bat boy in history to play in a major league game. On his first pitch, Pirates reliever Jason Grilli hits a walk-off home run into the river.

June 11: Andre Dawson is spotted living in the Wrigley Field ivy again.

June 12: Mike Trout fouls off 17 consecutive pitches to give himself time to finish a cheesesteak. He then expends 1,200 calories hitting the next pitch 800 feet and out of Camden Yards over the warehouse for a total loss of 200 calories.

June 13: The Mets and Yankees announce they have combined into one New York baseball team in hopes of competing for a wild-card spot.

June 14: On the same day the Stanley Cup finals begin with eight players taking the ice for their contact sport with broken limbs, the following ailments place baseball players on the 60-day disabled list: general soreness, eyelash in eye, gas.

June 15: Impacted by the light air in Coors Field, a Roy Halladay fastball slowly floats off into the atmosphere after leaving his hand.

June 16: After being outscored 19-4 in a three-game sweep at the hands of the Cubs, the Metskees disband.

June 17: Inserted into the game as part of a late-inning double switch, Reds utility infielder Aroldis Chapman makes five ninth-inning errors at shortstop and Cincinnati falls to the Pirates 5-4.

June 18: Jeff Samardzija takes a call from unemployed quarterback Brady Quinn asking if he can “hook him up with a pitching job” on the Cubs.

June 19: Brady Quinn becomes the Cubs No. 2 starter.

June 20: The Miami Heat win their second consecutive NBA title, and LeBron James announces he will attempt to play minor league baseball. Everyone in the sports media yells “Ahhhhh! Just like Jordan!” and then explodes.

June 21: The Astros notch their first win of the season, thanks to getting to play their old National League Central foe Cubs in an interleague game, and up their record to 1-73-4. Brady Quinn gives up only one run in seven innings, but Chicago’s offense can’t muster him any support.

June 22: Thanks to the sudden success of the first-place Marlins, owner Jeffrey Loria agrees to buy the team catcher’s gear and a bottle of Gatorade.

June 23: The Astros complete a three-game sweep of the Cubs.

June 24:The Cubs petition Major League Baseball to have the moral victories category added to their win-loss record as well.

June 25: Mariano Rivera pretends to blow out his knee so he can end his career on a more positive note than playing for the 2013 Yankees.

June 26: After a power outage knocks all the lights out at Dodger Stadium during a game against the Giants, play resumes when the Dodgers light the stadium by burning huge piles of unused $100 bills.

June 27: Baseball decides to announce the 2013 Gold Glove winners today, as they’re based off reputation instead of actual performance anyway.

June 28: Amid calls for his job, Brian Cashman defends himself by pointing out that Vernon Wells -- whose spring acquisition was roundly mocked -- is leading the team in batting average (.239) and home runs (4).

June 29: Jose Canseco reveals his time machine is just a DeLorean with steroids in the gas tank.

June 30: Jose Canseco is nominated for the Nobel Prize for both physics and chemistry.

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