Barry Bonds' trial -- How em-Barry-ssing

Yesterday as I was scanning the latest sports news, I saw the headline "Bonds judge reconsidering testicle testimony" and cringed. In part because of the mental image it inspired, but more so because I can't imagine having the details of my life (and body parts) discussed in a courtroom and then broadcast to millions.

If convicted of lying to a federal grand jury about his use of steroids, Barry Bonds could face grave consequences (a trip to the pokey chief among them), but even before a verdict has been reached, he has suffered and will continue to suffer the embarrassment of a very public trial.

Bonds' ex-mistress Kim Bell already has said enough to sell a salacious tell-all book. She described what could be considered bouts of "roid rage," saying Bonds told her he would cut out her breast implants "because he paid for them," would burn down the home he'd helped pay for and that he threatened to cut off her head and leave her in a ditch on multiple occasions. She also testified to changes in Bonds' appearance like back acne, hair loss and a notable (ahem) testicular transformation. The cherry on top of the T.M.I. sundae? Bell's testimony about Bonds' performance between the sheets and the slugger's penile dysfunction.

Just a few days into the trial and baseball's home run king already has been made to look like a selfish, violent, small-balled, sexually incompetent philanderer. I have no pity for Bonds -- he made his bed (or many beds, it seems) and he'll have to lie in it -- but I can't help but wonder what he's feeling as those closest to him reveal his deepest, darkest secrets. Pleading guilty and taking the jail time almost looks like an upgrade.

Let's be honest, even the most innocent among us have a set of "expert witnesses" we'd hate to see take the stand in the trial of our lives. Maybe an ex-boyfriend who would tell the world that you were too lazy to shave your legs during the winter months or had an unsightly mole in a place only boyfriends can see. Perhaps a sorority sister who would recount how you told three men they were your one and only, while secretly dating them all, or a high school friend who held your hair as you threw up one too many Zimas. And what about your parents, what with their tales of your childhood bladder control problems?

Just pick the most embarrassing moments of your life, and imagine looking on as friends and family dished them to the world. Simply mortifying. Looking back, Andy Pettitte had it right when he simply admitted to his use of HGH and went on with his life, the lurid details of which have never been splashed across newspapers and the web. While most already believe Bonds is guilty of cheating the game, all now know for certain he's guilty of cheating on his wives. While many believed he was rude to fans and moody with the media, all now know he's accused of being violent and verbally abusive to those he loves. If you guessed his head had grown and his jujubees had shrunk, well, guess no more -- according to Bell, they have.

When all is said and done, even if Bonds walks out of the courtroom an innocent man, in many ways he still will have lost.

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