In case you were stranded on a cruise boat in the Gulf of Mexico, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
To be read in your best Stefon from "Saturday Night Live" voice
The hottest Super Bowl party this year in Western Nevada was at Cell Block D in the Lovelock Correctional Center! Where else were you expecting? Reno?
In "athletes are just like us" news, O.J. Simpson held a Super Bowl party last week. Although, unless you're partial to an orange-jumpsuit dress code and metal bars for decor, his soiree might have been slightly different than yours.
The disgraced former football star, currently serving a 33-year sentence for kidnapping and armed robbery, is one of just a few inmates to own the most crucial element for a good Super Bowl party -- a television. Thus, an invite to his bash was reportedly tougher to get than an actual ticket to the game.
Simpson's friend Norman Pardo told the New York Post that inmates were fighting to get a spot in Simpson's 80-square-foot cell to watch the broadcast. Wonder who brought the Ramen noodles and honey buns.
We thought commuting in a blizzard was a hazardous work condition
It's not every day that an LPGA qualifying tournament makes international headlines. But it's also not every day that a golfer thinks she gets bit by a black widow spider and then finishes the round.
Say what, now?
Swedish rookie Daniela Holmqvist was just minding her own business, attempting to qualify for the Women's Australian Open when, all of a sudden, she felt a sharp pain in her ankle area. Onlookers noticed a spider and were concerned it was the potentially lethal black widow. Holmqvist did what absolutely no one else would do and took a golf tee from her pocket and squeezed out the venom.
The 24-year-old went on to finish the round, narrowly missing the cut with a 74. To recap: She shot a 74 -- after possibly being bit by a black widow spider.
Before this week, I was convinced the toughest golfer of all time was Happy Gilmore after he got hit by a Volkswagen and managed to finish his round (and beat Shooter McGavin for the Tour Championship). Your move, Tiger.
Tiger Woods seems to have found the only woman on the planet not intimidated by his past, er, mistakes. Rumors have swirled for the past several months that the golfer is dating skier Lindsey Vonn. They intensified over the past week as Vonn was spotted boarding Woods' private jet after her knee surgery in Austria.
Both are denying the reports, citing that whole "good friends" thing.
Because I have, you know, a memory, I can't help but hope for Vonn's sake that these reports are false. Sure, maybe Tiger has changed. But then again, he might still be hanging out with porn stars and cocktail waitresses while using false aliases and leaving creepy voicemails. Is it really worth finding out?
He's no Jack Nicholson
Apparently courtside seats aren't quite good enough for Will Ferrell. The actor/comedian decided to trade in his cushy tickets and try his hand at being a floor usher at the Lakers game Tuesday. Ferrell, wearing a name tag that read "Ted Vagina," seemed to be taking his role far more seriously than any role he's ever been paid to do. Will/Ted even went as far as kicking out Shaquille O'Neal from his floor seats. While the reason for such an ejection was unclear, I would guess it was Kobe Bryant's suggestion.
Does any of this make any sense? No. It's Will Ferrell. This is probably just a sneak peek at a new character. I just hope this doesn't mean we'll be seeing Shaq on the big screen again anytime in the near, er, ever.
Here's one way to reach the coveted senior citizen fan base
Every great thespian searches for that one signature role that challenges her to her limits while simultaneously defining her career. In 2012, we saw star turns from Jessica Chastain as Maya in "Zero Dark Thirty" and Jennifer Lawrence as Tiffany in "Silver Linings Playbook." Now we can add one more name to that list.
As … Arian Foster. OK, never mind. Maybe it's not exactly a stretch, but at least he knows his limits. The Texans running back will appear on Monday's episode of "Hawaii Five-0" as an NFL running back (with a heart of gold!) who helps the detectives solve a murder that occurs during Pro Bowl weekend.
If Foster's appearance isn't enough for you to tune in, the lead singer of Train will also reportedly be starring. No? Still not sold? Me either. Heck, I can't even make it all the way through three minutes of that "Hey, Soul Sister" song.
Shouldn't someone actually do the Harlem Shake in these videos?
This "Harlem Shake" craze is making me feel kind of old in that I have absolutely no idea what's going on. That said, here's a video of the Georgia swim team and its take on the dance/song/whatever this thing is.