In case you were busy writing your Oscar acceptance speech (I'm looking at you, Anne Hathaway), here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
No one cares that it was Paris Hilton's and Larry the Cable Guy's birthdays, too?
The NBA's best and brightest invaded Houston (and your regularly-scheduled TNT programming) over the weekend. And while the three-day event was chock-full of missed dunks, invisible defenders, awkward musical performances and celebrity guests, the most talked about man of the event was Michael Jordan. You know, a guy who hasn't actually played in the All-Star Game in 10 years.
As everyone on the planet knows by now, His Airness turned 50 on Sunday (although his ego doesn't look a day over 29!). As a result, Jordan was the talk of EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION on EVERY SINGLE SPORTS OUTLET. Sorry All-Star Game MVP Chris Paul, but NO ONE cared about you.
Jordan's birthday was treated like a massive accomplishment by all. Because apparently no one had ever turned 50 before. Current and former NBA players threw him a massive bash in Houston, Nike launched his latest shoe and the wacky bunch over at the AARP even sent him a membership card. I'll be impatiently waiting for this treatment on every birthday going forward.
On the plus side, at least the Bobcats had some representation at the All-Star Game.
Still better than all of the inevitable pole jokes
Danica Patrick earned the pole position for Sunday's Daytona 500 with the fastest qualifying time. Of course, after years of criticism over her undeserved hype, this surely quieted Patrick's naysayers. Right?
Um. No. Of course not. Have you never been on Twitter? There is no such thing as an accomplishment.
Just hours after Patrick won the pole, several bloggers and fans started to discredit her achievement, citing her lighter weight as an advantage. The weight of the car is based on the driver's weight, and Danica's car subsequently weighs 30 pounds less than most cars. Oh, so that must be why she got the fastest time! It's not because she's a good driver or anything. While almost all of her peers went on the record to dismiss this theory, it didn't stop the Internet trolls.
Danica just can't win. Even if she actually wins the race on Sunday.
U Mad Bro?
Darrelle Revis and Richard Sherman, two of the NFL's best cornerbacks, channeled their inner "Mean Girls" on Wednesday in an all-out Twitter war of words.
After hearing recent trash talk by Sherman, Revis tweeted, "I never seen a man before run his mouth so much like a girl. This dude just steady putting my name in his mouth to get notoriety @rsherman_25."
Although, on behalf of girls everywhere, really? Why do we have to be brought into this? But I digress.
The duo traded barbs for the next several hours about their on-field production and, of course, their number of Twitter followers. Ahhh, priorities.
We haven't seen a feud this stupid since the last time Richard Sherman tried to provoke someone. See: Brady, Tom; Williams, Trent.
The only baller who stole Michael Jordan's spotlight this week
Meet Eddie, a 15-year-old sea otter who is sure to immediately improve your day. The Oregon Zoo resident dunks a basketball to help with the arthritis in his totally adorable little elbows. The NBA really should have considered putting him in the dunk contest. He seems to miss significantly less often than Gerald Green. Too soon?
Where's the beef? In an NBA arena somewhere, apparently
Usually rappers and NBA players live in a harmonious world with cakes filled with rainbows and smiles, but this week that harmony was disrupted by a number of bizarre feuds.
Round No. 1: Lil Wayne versus Chris Bosh. Weezy has made a number of headlines over the past few NBA seasons regarding his claims that the Heat won't let him sit courtside and that he's been kicked out of various arenas. Usually his claims seem to be false (remember when the Thunder said he didn't even have a ticket? Yeah ), so take this one with a grain of salt. Wayne has now claimed the NBA has a vendetta against him because he once, um, dated (for lack of a better word that wouldn't get me fired) Chris Bosh's wife, Adrienne. Neither Chris nor Adrienne has acknowledged the claim, but we'll be expecting approximately 92 guest tracks in the next three weeks from Wayne addressing the topic.
Round No. 2: Wale versus the Raptors play-by-play caller Matt Devlin. Wale attended the Raptors-Wizards game Tuesday night at the Verizon Center and was talking trash with his pal, Toronto forward Rudy Gay. Devlin began commenting on the exchanges and then took his own jab at Wale on the broadcast, saying, "He's not Drake, that's for sure." Someone apparently told Wale about the comment, and he decided to go CONFRONT DEVLIN. Like, during the game. Fans sitting near the announcer booth told Sarah Kogod of the DC Sports Blog that Wale yelled, "I heard what you said. That's not cool!"
Fighting words! Although we feel it necessary to point out, Wale is literally not Drake.
Round No. 3: 2 Chainz versus everyone with working ears watching All-Star Saturday Night. 2 Chainz and Fall Out Boy joined forces before the dunk contest to assault anyone who could hear with a song that was apparently intended to hype the crowd. Perhaps that's what we should blame for the poor dunks that came immediately after.
This is what it takes to earn $1,085,120 per year
The good news: Patty Mills is on the San Antonio Spurs. The bad news: He doesn't really play much.
However, his misery is our gain, as Patty has had a lot of time to perfect his most valuable skill this season: towel waving from the bench! While one could argue that his contribution to the team isn't exactly the same as, say, Tony Parker's, Patty has taken his role in stride and provided us with this instructional video of his favorite towel-waving techniques. Watch and learn, kids. You too could one day sit at the end of the bench in warm-up gear and wave a towel with Tim Duncan's sweat on it over your head with mild excitement!