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Friday, March 1, 2013
Dennis Rodman: Secretary of Altered States

By D'Arcy Maine

In case you were busy trying to find a way to make Jennifer Lawrence your real-life BFF (just me?), here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.

John Kerry might want to take notes

As tensions between the U.S. and North Korea continue to rise, one brave American has adopted the role of unofficial goodwill ambassador. That man is, of course, Dennis Rodman. Because who else would we want representing the country?

The flamboyant 51-year-old Hall of Famer calls his current trip to North Korea a mission of "basketball diplomacy." He's being joined by members of the Harlem Globetrotters and a production crew documenting this circus for HBO. I'm just grateful we'll all one day be able to witness this debacle.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is reportedly a die-hard basketball fan, and pictures from the late '90s of him wearing a Rodman Bulls jersey have surfaced around the Internet. The unlikely duo met on Thursday as they watched the Globetrotters and then went back to the royal palace for dinner and drinks. Rodman told Kim that he had "a friend for life." Here's to hoping Hollywood finds a way to turn this into a buddy comedy ASAP.

Shane Smith, the founder of the production company that set up the trip, said that the mission was about "finding common ground on the basketball court." Hmm. Has Dennis Rodman EVER found common ground with anyone? Just ask his teammates, coaches, wives, kids, "Celebrity Rehab" co-stars. & I'll stop there.

But perhaps Rodman, known for his various piercings, hair colors, marriage to himself and legal woes, will be the one to negotiate peace with the oft-hostile country. Crazier things have happened. On second thought, no, they really haven't.

Bet Te'o wishes his 40 time wasn't real

After months of intense media scrutiny, former Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o finally got to return to the field at the NFL combine. Unfortunately for Te'o, despite taking up approximately 700 hours of television coverage, Lennay Kekua's ex-boyfriend* failed to impress a single scout (or couch-goer) with his abilities. Te'o clocked a less-than-stellar 4.82 in the much-hyped 40-yard dash, prompting Ravens head coach John Harbaugh to shake his head, unimpressed, while the NFL Network cameras rolled.

The rest of his combine results weren't exactly anything to write home about (or talk to someone on the phone about until they fell asleep). Kimberly Jones of NFL.com asked one unnamed head coach if he was impressed by Te'o's workout, and he responded, "How could you be?" Considering Te'o's apparent gullibility with the girlfriend hoax story, we're guessing his Wonderlic score isn't going to help his draft stock, either.

And just when it looked like all the jokes about the Heisman runner-up had been made, LeBron James decided to throw his hat into the comedy ring, telling a Heat reporter that even he could run a faster 40 time than Te'o. He then went on to claim that he ran a 4.6 over the summer when he attempted the sprint. While I understand LeBron wanting to jump in on Te'o's woes, I can't understand why someone lauded as one of the best athletes on the planet would admit to running a 4.6. Or brag about being faster than Te'o, for that matter.

Still wish someone would actually do the Harlem Shake in these videos

We can bet with 100 percent certainty that you're sick of "Harlem Shake" videos. However, if you have room in your heart for just ONE more "con los terroristas," you need to watch this. Much like they do on the court, the Miami Heat dominate all other "Harlem Shake" versions with their take on the (hopefully-soon-to-be-retired) classic. FTW!

Everything you need to know about Milwaukee in four paragraphs

Relax, America, our brief national nightmare is over. On Feb. 16, the city of Milwaukee suffered an unimaginable tragedy when the costume of Guido, one of the Brewers' baserunning sausages, was stolen. The horror!

The costume was mercifully recovered on Wednesday night when two hooded men brought it into a local bar, told the bartender, "You did not see anything" and then fled the scene. Perhaps the unknown men were enticed by a local grocery store's offer of a year's worth of free sauerkraut in exchange for Guido's safe return.

Before Wednesday, Guido had last been seen barhopping around the city, posing with fans and enjoying some brews. His subsequent disappearance had shocked and stunned the city and the world (OK, maybe that's a stretch). The Milwaukee police launched a full-scale investigation.

USA Today received an email from the group claiming responsibility for the heist late Wednesday night. To verify that they in fact were the ones who stole the sausage, they included a video of Guido doing & wait for it & the Harlem Shake. MAKE IT STOP. Is there any creativity left in this world? Spoiler alert: No.

At least he's not getting grounded

David Lee and Roy Hibbert may have been suspended for their roles in Monday night's brawl during the Warriors-Pacers game, but Klay Thompson may feel the repercussions the hardest. The Warriors guard was fined $35,000 by the league for his role in escalating the fight, but that's nothing compared to the wrath of his father, former NBA player Mychal Thompson. The elder Thompson spoke to ESPN 710 Los Angeles and expressed his anger on the topic, even calling his son "an idiot" for his behavior. He also said he would docking Klay's allowance as a result.

Read that last line again.

Klay Thompson, a 23-year-old NBA player who makes $2.2 million a year, receives an allowance from his parents. Mychal went on to tell the radio station that Klay's paychecks are made out to his parents, and he doesn't have direct access to his bank account. So, like every 12-year-old in middle-class America, Klay impatiently awaits a weekly envelope with his spending money. But what happens when he wants to impress a lady friend on a date? Mychal advises his son to "go to the grocery store and get a nice [bottle of wine] for $30."

Although if I were Klay, I might think about mowing my neighbors' lawns or babysitting for some extra cash.

While I'm sure his teammates tease him about his restrictive allowance, it's kind of nice to know there is at least one athlete out there who will have a savings account after his playing days are over.

I knew you were a goat when you walked in

Usually, on a sports website, the term GOAT refers to "greatest of all time." Today, however, we're using GOAT to mean goat. Like the farm animal that Old McDonald might own. Although this particular goat could easily be called the greatest goat of all time. Because she/he does that shrilly part in the chorus of Taylor Swift's "Trouble" better than Taylor herself. BHAAAAA. BHAAAAA. Trouble, trouble, trouble.