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Thursday, March 21, 2013
Tiges & Linds are official: Insert jokes here

By Sarah Spain

This past Monday, world-class golfer Tiger Woods and champion skier Lindsey Vonn took their rumored romance from "no comment" to Facebook Official, causing bloggers everywhere to stop writing their "Dancing with the Stars" previews and put their weeks-late "Harlem Shake" video shoots on hold.

Sex addict Tiger Woods publicly committing to just one woman? And a beautiful, blonde, girl-next-door, Olympic champion at that? Gold, Jerry, gold.

Not only is their relationship now official, but the post announcing that they're in love monogamous kickin' it is ripe for parody.

Woods' Facebook statement was calculated and carefully crafted, a PR-savvy message that assures he is committed to both Vonn and golf.

This season has been great so far and I'm happy with my wins at Torrey and Doral. Something nice that's happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, but over the last few months we have become very close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and for respecting our privacy. We want to continue our relationship, privately, as an ordinary couple and continue to compete as athletes.

The post is accompanied by the weirdly titled photo album, "Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods Photos." Not "Me & Lindsey" or "Tiger & Lindsey" or even "Tiges & Linds." The album consists of four professional photos usually reserved for engagement announcements or an US Weekly spread on two young musicians who found love unexpectedly while promoting their upcoming reality show "America's Next Top Hottest Country Star Idol."

Vonn's announcement post -- which begins, "I guess it wasn't a well-kept secret but yes, I am dating Tiger Woods" -- is simpler and sweeter, and it features just one shot from the album of her looking lovingly at Woods, snuggling in close (though not so close as to block from view the Nike swoosh on his collared shirt).

The whole thing is very orchestrated, but when you're Tiger Woods, you can't just give a girl your letterman's jacket and the number to your secret groupie phone and ask her to join your harem go steady. You woo her privately; and, when you want to get the word out, you have to involve public relations experts, state clearly that the official announcement will be your only comment on the matter and make the requisite request for privacy that everyone will ignore.

As for the elaborate photo shoot, it's a new addition to the old celebrity romance announcement handbook. A simple candid shot of the couple doing normal couple things would have sufficed. Maybe a snapshot of the two taking a trip in Woods' jet, jumping off Woods' yacht or cooing over Vonn's gold medal like a tiny, sparkly baby. Ya know, normal stuff. I woulda just Instagram'd-that-ish.

Then again, I'm no Woods or Vonn. The two live in an alternate universe where their relationship status is headline news. Should we care what two consenting adults choose to do with their free time and baby-making parts? Probably not. Do we? Abso-freaking-lutely.

This is our chance to dust off all those Perkins jokes and replace "golf club" with "ski pole" in those classic gags from 2009. We can put down bets on how long these two lovebirds will make it before Vonn finds sexually explicit, grammatically incorrect texts to other women in Woods' phone.

We can ask a bunch of hypothetical questions we have no way of knowing the answer to, like ...

• Will Vonn's girl-next-door image be tarnished by her affiliation with Woods, whose sexual predilections made many a golf scribe blush?

• Will a relationship with Vonn help Woods on the course (he played well while committed to married to Elin Nordegren), or will he be distracted while helping nurse a recently injured Vonn back to health?

• And what of Vonn's vow to be healthy and ready to compete at the 2014 Sochi Olympics? Will dating a dedicated athlete like Woods help her stay committed to rehab and training, or will she be up all hours of the night trying to hack his emails, looking for clues that he's gone astray?

• Which of Woods' many mistresses will be the first to try to cash in on a "Tiger is still texting and calling me" scoop for Life & Style, and which actress will play Vonn in the soon-to-be-released adult film about their trysts? (Concurrently: Will that flick be Lindsay Lohan's rock bottom and best available role all at once?)

Now, I know what you're thinking: Shouldn't these two crazy kids get a little private time to stare lovingly into each other's eyes, share one milkshake with two straws and hold hands even when it's inconvenient and their palms get kinda sweaty and they walk past a streetlight that causes them to choose between bumping awkwardly while trying to move over to one side or be forced to unclasp and re-clasp hands, thereby risking a break in their bond that is momentary but feels eternal?

I guess so.

But let's be real here, Woods kind of lost his chance for a no-fuss, private romance somewhere between the "Tool Academy" contestant and second porn star.