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Friday, April 5, 2013
Send in the new clowns

By D'Arcy Maine

In case you were busy tossing your bracket out the window, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.

Phil being Phil

Find your Zen place, America, because Phil Jackson has joined Twitter. On Wednesday afternoon, the Zen Master's girlfriend and Lakers VP, Jeanie Buss, along with our favorite subject, Dennis Rodman, both tweeted about his joining the site. Jackson was immediately verified and earned 40,000 followers, all before sending a single tweet.

Finally, the moment arrived. The renowned coach (aka @philjackson11) sent his first 140-character post: "11 champ;ipnsikp[ ringhs." And a social media legend was born.

I was immediately left with so many questions. Did Phil really think it was necessary to remind us he has 11 championship rings? Did he just want to set the tone? Or was it really a reminder in case we had forgotten who he was? And why so many typos? I haven't seen a supposedly-English sentence written like that since the time my dad tried to send me a text.

However, in an oh-so-2013 move, turns out the tweet was actually just an attempt to gain attention. Yawn. A video was released on Thursday in which we see Phil type the error-laden tweet and he asks us presumably, "I should take these off, right?"' while pointing at the championship rings adorning his fingers. We get it, Phil. You're trying to promote your upcoming book "Eleven Rings: The Soul of Success," but this feels less original than the latest "Harlem Shake" video.

Now this is how you do a viral video

In what can only be described as the greatest retirement announcement video of all time, NFL lineman Anthony "Spice" Adams takes to YouTube in what's already an instant classic. I don't want to ruin this for you, but I will tell you it ends at a ritzy little joint called Whit Cassell. Or something like that.

In remembrance: @JManziel2

In sad news, America's favorite bro and least self-aware college student ever, Johnny Manziel, is quitting Twitter. The Texas A&M quarterback announced his decision for a self-imposed Twitter ban on Tuesday.

Let the mourning commence, Internet trolls. We lost a good one this week.

The move comes after an offseason of controversy for the reigning Heisman winner, including the most recent news that he shoved a graduate assistant on Saturday during a scrimmage.

While Johnny Football cites the move as a way to keep his personal life private, I hope he realizes that other people out there have camera phones and social media accounts. Nothing he does is totally private any more. If he really wants to improve his reputation, he might want to -- I don't know -- behave and act responsibly. But that's probably crazy talk. I'm sure he has planned a trip to South Padre Island as soon as school's over, where there will be lots of fake tattoos and people to fight with. We can just hope those around him still love Twitter as much as we do.

Your move, Cirque du Soleil

If this were the VH1 show with a similar theme to this column, I would tell you that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus elephants are having the Best Week Ever!

On Sunday, Kelly Ann, a 17-year-old football-playing elephant, caught passes from Robert Griffin III when the show stopped in D.C. He even tweeted about it, calling her "the biggest WIDE receiver in the WORLD." Let's just hope she doesn't have any body-image issues.

On Wednesday, Kelly Ann's pal (or maybe her rival; sadly, we don't speak elephant) Asia made national headlines for her Final Four predictions. Using her paintbrush and easel, Asia went non-chalk and picked Michigan State, Florida Gulf Coast, La Salle and Miami to advance to Atlanta. Tom Izzo and the Spartans are her predicted national champions. Guessing the circus won't be stopping in Ann Arbor anytime soon.

This is decidedly not "Gone with the Wind" fabulous

In the opening credits of Bravo's "Real Housewives of Atlanta," Porsha Williams Stewart tells the audience, "People say I live a picture-perfect life & and I do." Looks like the, um, real housewife of former NFL QB Kordell Stewart is going to have to rewrite that. Kordell filed for divorce after less than two years of marriage, but somehow failed to mention it to the woman he's married to. Porsha reportedly found out about the filing through the media. Because if your husband doesn't have the nerve to tell you, TMZ always will.

Porsha's storyline on the show revolved around her newlywed life with Kordell. The two were supposedly looking to start a family, but Kordell didn't think she could continue her philanthropy career while being a mother. Apparently the ex-Steeler/Bear/Raven hasn't gotten that whole "working mom" memo yet. What year is it again?

Hopefully Kordell has better luck finding a new wife somewhere in that cave he lives in.

Apparently Michael Phelps was too busy enjoying whatever he does now &

What would Ryan Lochte do? More important, does anyone really care? The E! network seems to think so and will be premiering his reality show next month as evidenced by this recently released trailer.

While I have no idea how this show was greenlighted (other than E! having the same parent company as the network that airs the Olympics), I'm guessing it's just an attempt to prove that there is someone out there with less intellect than the Kardashians. JEAH!