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Friday, April 5, 2013
Strange week, for a number of reasons

By D'Arcy Maine

In case you were too busy counting all the allegations against the Auburn football program, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.

Numbers never lie & except sometimes

Never one to shy from controversy or just keep his mouth shut for two consecutive seconds, Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would consider drafting Brittney Griner in the second round of the NBA draft if she was the best available player. The comments, made Tuesday night, quickly circulated 'round the Internet. Griner even responded on her Twitter account, saying, "I would hold my own! Lets do it."

Is this just a publicity stunt for the media-hungry Cuban? Probably. The WNBA draft is this month and Griner is all but certain to be the No. 1 pick. This is obviously unprecedented territory, but I'm guessing the Phoenix Mercury aren't too keen on their superstar rookie risking injury for an off-chance of making the Dallas roster. Cuban, in his defense, claims Griner would be a perfect addition to the team because of her & birthday. Seriously.

Numerology apparently suggests that the now-former Baylor star is basically the same as Michael Jordan, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade. While that's an adorable line of thinking and all, we're guessing Greg Oden and Kwame Brown share the same numerology as some successful people too.

Considering Griner had a hard-enough time against fifth-seeded, unheralded Louisville, I find it difficult to believe she would be effective against LeBron James and Dwight Howard. But it's disappointing that we are forced to somehow downplay her incredible talent and accomplishments because she can't compete at the same level as her male counterparts.

On the plus side, as the Mavericks' playoff hopes slowly fade away, Cuban has oh-so-cleverly diverted us into talking about something else.

Competition is nada

Like Beyonce, Rihanna and Mikhail Prokhorov before him, Robinson Cano decided to team up with Jay-Z. Ditching agent (and devil doppelganger, according to most MLB upper management) Scott Boras for Hova's brand-new sports agency, Cano clearly didn't want to work with a businessman but a business & man.

Roc Nation Sports, a partner of the established Creative Artists Agency, is S. Carter's latest venture of approximately 7,000. But what exactly qualifies him to be the next Jerry Maguire? I have no idea. And everything we've read about the topic makes us think Cano isn't entirely sure either. But it's Jay-Z!

I have no clue how prosperous the partnership will be, but I assume it will at the very least result in good seats for Cano at Jay-Z concerts. And it at least has to be better than Master P's ill-fated attempt at the sports-agency game with No Limit Sports Management. Just ask Ricky Williams how that turned out. The poor guy never even got to drive a gold tank into a gymnasium. Make 'em say uhh!

Why so serious?

After his epic tweet during the 2011 season in which he blamed God - whom he praises 24/7!!! -- for a dropped pass in the end zone, Stevie Johnson has become known for his, um, spirited 140-character messages. While I'm fairly convinced God isn't sitting around trolling Twitter while feeling bad about a dude not catching a ball, Johnson has continued writing his comical (intentionally or otherwise) tweets aimed at various people and figures.

On Wednesday night, the Bills wide receiver turned his attention to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. In the first post, he requested that North Korea "chill out with that Nuke talk" (I'm just wondering how that translates into Korean), then he followed it with, "War is nothing to be played with. I apologize North Korea........but if y'all do bomb 1st... Bomb Foxboro, Mass. Sincerely,#BillsMafia"

Johnson was obviously joking, but people do tend to get a little concerned when a public figure advocates for the violent destruction of a whole city. Particularly an NFL city, as it turns out. Priorities, people!

While this was inappropriate and in poor taste, I feel safe in saying Kim Jong Un doesn't follow Johnson on Twitter, so I don't think it's really a matter of national security. And the anger it has caused just seems rather silly and misguided. Johnson might need to pull his "Why so serious" shirt out of the drawer to wear around for the next few days. Or at least until another athlete does something stupid on social media. Which probably will have already happened by the time this is published.

He's easily the best Bubba since Bubba Sparxxx

Bubba Watson, reigning Masters champion, overall-wearing Golf Boys member and self-described "new-age redneck," can now add golf cart innovator to his unlikely résumé. On Tuesday, Bubba and Oakley released a video of their joint creation -- a golf hovercraft. Yes, you read that correctly.

This "Jetsons"-meets-"Hunger Games" ride glides over the course and even through the water, providing what looks like the most fun a golf course has seen since the last Golf Boys video shoot. As someone who hangs out on the green only as an excuse to recklessly drive a golf cart, this might be the greatest invention I've ever seen. Let's just hope that Oakley -- or somebody else -- actually does go through with it. Well played, Bubba. Well played.

So Reddick-ulous

Attention, baseball fans. Josh Reddick is not shaving his beard, so stop asking him or comparing him to a goat. I would kind of like to end this segment with that, but I guess I should give you some details.

The Oakland A's outfielder has been locked in a heated battle with WWE star Daniel Bryan in a "beard off" for the past several weeks after a Twitter-issued challenge. The hair-growing will last until the end of the year. I can't grow a beard, I'm happy to say, so I don't know for sure, but that sounds extremely itchy and uncomfortable. But the mountain-man chic look doesn't just happen overnight! Or at least that's what a hipster in Williamsburg once told me.

Reddick's already-impressive beard apparently surprised a lot of non-Internet-savvy fans (read: old people) when the season started this week. On Wednesday he tweeted, "To everybody telling me to shave or those who will tell me to shave. NO." OK then. So you don't want us to ask about your beard? I wish he could be more clear.

Here's hoping Reddick is OK with dealing with the inevitable "Duck Dynasty" comparisons and jeers from opposing fans all season long.

Where's your head at?!?

If Lindsay Lohan's horrifying April Fools' Day pregnancy joke left you in desperate need of an actual laugh, here is a video of everyone's favorite drive-thru prankster and his latest YouTube hit. Spoiler alert: He's headless and people are mildly perturbed.