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Friday, April 19, 2013
This week, tears before laughter

By D'Arcy Maine

This week's news has been filled with tragedy and sadness. The stories below are not meant to take away from the events that occurred in Boston or in West, Texas, but instead hopefully offer some momentary relief.

I can think of no better way to open this week's column than with the incredibly touching video of the national anthem before the Bruins-Sabres game Wednesday night in Boston. If you haven't seen it yet, it's an absolute must-watch that might move you to tears.

Now on to the lighthearted stories of the week that you might have missed ...

First comes success, then comes reality show offers

Adam Scott won the Masters in dramatic fashion on Sunday, topping Angel Cabrera on the second playoff hole. It was the first major title for Scott and the first green jacket for Australia. Way to drop the ball there, Greg Norman. But I digress.

Because this is 2013 and Scott is really, really good-looking, it took all of three minutes after his victory for rumors to swirl about him becoming the new bachelor on ABC's hit show of the same name. The show's producer, Robert Mills, first tweeted the idea on Sunday night.

While the gossip sites have swarmed on this story as if it were a new Amanda Bynes selfie, it seems hard to believe that the golfer would really take three months off to film a show that would ultimately just make him a punch line for years to come. Not to mention the fact that he already has a girlfriend. But carry on with those golf puns, everybody.

Speaking of punch lines, the other Adam Scott is a little annoyed with your jokes about the Masters. The "Parks and Rec" Adam is fed up with all the tweets about borrowing golf attire from Rent-a-Swag or ruining Ice Town but still winning at Augusta.

Lucky for us, he took out his frustrations with Conan O'Brien on Monday night. And the rest is comedy gold (or green) history.

The legend continues

The legend of Michael Jordan's "Flu Game" from the 1997 NBA Finals against the Jazz is one that is often told as an example of his greatness. There's only one little problem: Turns out it might not be entirely true. Jordan's former trainer Tim Grover spoke with ESPN's TrueHoop TV on Tuesday and claimed it wasn't the flu that ailed MJ during Game 5 but rather food poisoning. He went on to say that the night before the game, a starving Jordan ordered pizza from a Park City restaurant because it was the only place still open. It was delivered by five men, and Grover says he instantly had a bad feeling about it. Sure enough, a few hours later Jordan was reportedly curled up on his bed reeling in pain.

While I'm not entirely sure why the Bulls didn't just announce it at the time, this story is at least a lot better for Jordan's image than Jalen Rose's hangover theory. Although at the end of the day, whether he had the flu, food poisoning or just a really bad hangover, Jordan's 38-point performance in the win is still one of the best performances ever and deserves to be the stuff of lore.

However, if the pizza explanation is true, any chance Grover could name the restaurant so I can make sure to add it to my list of places never to visit?

Hoop dreams

Crafting a blueprint for the way all major disputes should be settled, Colts backup quarterbacks Matt Hasselbeck and Chandler Harnish decided to take to the hardwood to determine who gets to wear the No. 8 jersey during the upcoming season. When in Indiana!

Hasselbeck, who signed with the Colts this offseason, challenged Harnish to make a shot from half court. If successful, Hasselbeck would pay Harnish $8,000 for the number. Obviously, there was no chance the Colts' No. 3 quarterback and 2012 Mr. Irrelevant was going to make it ... right?

WRONG! Harnish miraculously made the shot, and the reaction from all the grown men in the gym is priceless. And, best of all, Harnish is donating the money to charity.

#KobeTweets

Out for the season with a torn Achilles, Kobe Bryant has put his free time to good use and embarked on his very own social media tour. The Black Mamba has suddenly become very active on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and even the Chinese version of Twitter, Weibo. After years of staying off the sites, the notoriously guarded star began sharing just about everything with his fans after last week's injury. He all but live-tweeted and Instagrammed his surgery, providing details and pictures from before and after the procedure.

While I initially assumed it was just the Vicodin talking, it seems like the extroversion is here to stay. From Facebook messages venting about the painful injury to tweets supporting his teammates and whatever he is saying in Chinese, Kobe is putting on a social media clinic. Here's hoping some other NBA players start taking notes. I'm looking at you, Dwight Howard.

While it's fascinating to watch Kobe share his road to recovery so publicly, it's also nice to know that even rich celebrities try to combat their boredom by oversharing and looking at pictures of old acquaintances from elementary school.

(White) House party!

Even though it was a rough week to be the commander in chief, President Barack Obama was able to make time for prescheduled visits with the Alabama football team and reigning Sprint Cup champ Brad Keselowski.

On Monday, Nick Saban and the BCS national champions casually dropped by the White House to hang out with a familiar friend. I kid, I kid. About the "casually dropping by" part anyway. The team is probably starting to get used to seeing the president on a regular basis by now. On their third visit in four years, Obama even joked, "I was thinking about just having some cots for them here, they're here so often -- except we couldn't find any that were big enough."

Saban, not exactly known for his lightheartedness or sunshine-filled demeanor, even responded with a joke, commenting that Obama now had enough Alabama gear to have a full uniform. OK, so he's not exactly Jerry Seinfeld, but I'll take it.

Obama hosted Keselowski on Tuesday in a subdued ceremony. Despite the mood, the president did tell the crowd he had wanted to drive the "spiffy" No. 2 car around the White House lawn but the Secret Service wouldn't allow it. I always knew those Secret Service dudes were Debbie Downers. Womp, womp.

Why didn't I think of this when I got locked out?

Olympic gold medalist and America's sweetheart Gabby Douglas debuted her Nike commercial this week. In the clip, the 17-year-old forgets her keys (like every high school kid) and is forced to find a creative way to get in the house. Spoiler alert: She utilizes her gymnastics skills (duh) and uses a very questionable door lock to her advantage.