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Friday, April 26, 2013
Gorging ourselves on a tasty week

By D'Arcy Maine

In case you were trying to avoid all media for fear of seeing a clip of Ryan Lochte's new reality show, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.

Maybe Kim Kardashian can give them wedding advice

Broncos wide receiver Eric Decker and his fiancée (and country singer without a song anyone has ever heard of), Jessie James, are starring in their very own reality show on E! because, obviously. The duo appeared at the network's upfronts on Monday night in New York to announce the news. The show, called "Love and Other Contact Sports," will apparently chronicle their upcoming road to the altar. I know, I know. Try to contain your excitement. I mean, what could be better than watching strangers pick out flowers or place settings?

Well, at least they're attractive and mildly famous. And it has to be better than that show about the least popular Jonas brother and his wife. Right?

On a serious note, I hope this turns out better for them than EVERY OTHER CELEBRITY COUPLE TO HAVE A REALITY SHOW EVER.

Just call her S. Diggins

After making headlines just a few weeks ago for signing Robinson Cano, Jay-Z's brand-new sports agency firm Roc Nation Sports is back in the news. The rap mogul pulled off a surprise when he signed soon-to-be WNBA superstar Skylar Diggins. Just drafted by the Tulsa Shock, Diggins instantly becomes the most popular player on the team, as her teammates inevitably will vie for concert tickets and chances to hang out with Hova and Beyonce.

Jarvis Jones is a chicken! Sort of

Prior to being taken by the Pittsburgh Steelers in the first round of Thursday's NFL draft, former Georgia linebacker Jarvis Jones officially joined the Subway endorsement family. By eating a combination of sandwiches that were made into a bust of his head. Naturally.

He posted the edible likeness to his Instagram account on Tuesday.

The sandwich statue was reportedly 3 feet tall and included more than 10 pounds of chicken. Jones' signature dreadlocks were made from raisins. Which, last time I checked, weren't offered at Subway.

Sure, I guess the lifelike lunchtime meal is sort of a cool idea, but am I the only one who would be completely creeped out to eat something that looked just like my face? What's wrong with a regular turkey sub, and some balloons or something to celebrate the occasion?

Bummer he doesn't have a playoff beeper

For the second year in a row, LeBron James has given up his cell phone for the NBA playoffs. I guess the plan worked out OK last season.

The self-imposed cell phone ban even extends to social media, because apparently LeBron doesn't have a laptop or desktop. On Saturday, before the Heat's opening-round series against the Bucks got under way, he tweeted, "Zero Dark Thirty-6 Activated! I'm gone." When asked about the strategy by TNT's Craig Sager on Tuesday night, LeBron asked Sager if he could use his phone if he needed one during the postseason. And I can't say I blame him. You know Sager has to have a rotating fleet of cell phone cases made of velvet and velour to match his outfits.

King James says he will use the time not spent on his phone reading books and watching cartoons with his kids. In the meantime, if you need to reach him, feel free to send carrier pigeons to his Miami home or utilize 1535's hottest form of communication, smoke signals.

Well played, Vikings fans

And the cover of Madden 2013 goes to … Barry Sanders! You know, the guy who last played in the league 15 years ago. Well, that's one way to ensure the Madden Curse doesn't result in a season-ending injury.

The legendary running back beat out Vikings star Adrian Peterson in the final round of fan voting to earn the honor on Wednesday night. With the cover's jinxed reputation, I'm guessing most Minnesota fans actually voted for Sanders. And if the past is any indication, this might have been the best thing they could have done to ensure a full, healthy season for Peterson. Bet Donovan McNabb wishes his fans had been so thoughtful. Or Michael Vick. Or Shaun Alexander. Or Peyton Hillis. I'll stop here because I'm assuming you have somewhere to be in the next hour.

And while Sanders is no longer playing, I still think he should be extra cautious during whatever his daily retirement activities are. He might want to consider living in a bubble for the next year or so.

Franklin American Mortgage College Football Playoff has a nice ring to it

After months of discussion, the powers that be at the BCS finally announced the name of the new college football playoffs: College Football Playoff. Yup, that's it. After the announcement on Tuesday, Twitter was at its snarkiest best with comments on the bland nature of the name. Do yourself a favor and do a search on Twitter to see the fun for yourself. You can thank me later.

Multiple people joked about the lack of creativity by saying if BCS executive director Bill Hancock had a dog, he would name it Dog. USA Today even tried to get to the bottom of that by asking Hancock what his dog's name was. Sadly, he apparently doesn't own one.

While I'm thoroughly enjoying all of the one-liners, I'm pretty sure this name isn't final. It leaves plenty of room for "presented by (your billion-dollar company here)." Ahhh, the integrity of college athletics.

Too damn great not to share

If you're like me, you've spent the past two years impatiently awaiting the return of the "Rent is too damn high" guy. But lucky for us, not only is Jimmy McMillan back, he's announcing his latest New York City mayoral run with a viral video complete with a rap and more quotable catch phrases. Is this the future of announcing political campaigns? We can all dream.

Your move, Anthony Weiner. Keep it clean, please.