At the game? Don't be one of these guys
Have you ever had your foot stomped or been shoved while simply sitting in your seat at the ballpark? Been tempted to assault a complete stranger based solely on his frequent trips to the restroom? Been so annoyed by the incessant yelling of the person next to you that you recorded her screeching and created a soundboard?
If so, then this list of Foul Fan Behavior is for you.
Read it closely and make sure you're not fouling things up for the rest of us on game day. Better yet, print it and distribute it to the rest of your section next time you're at a game. It's time to take back our stadiums.
The list begins with the least offensive offenses and ends with the kind of jackwagonry that threatens to give all fans a bad name.
Stink-eye from the usher: Let's nip this in the bud, shall we?
• Idiots more concerned with being on TV than watching the game: These dimwits spend most of the game trying to get their (likely misspelled) signs on TV, ignoring all the action and blocking everyone behind them in the process. These are the same people who text everyone in their address book to look for them behind home plate and stand up and wave their arms every other pitch. Don't be surprised if their loudest cheers are for the bros with the T-shirt guns.
• That guy who tries to start E-A-G-L-E-S chants at Phillies games: You know this guy -- he's cousins with the Blackhawks fan who chants "Detroit sucks" when the Hawks aren't even playing the Red Wings and went to college with the chick who insists on screaming "Yankees suck" at every New England sporting event she attends. Not only are these chants infantile and unimaginative, they only serve to build up the egos of the opposition. Like finding out your ex's new squeeze is looking at all of your pictures on Facebook, there's nothing more satisfying than knowing the enemy is so obsessed with you that they're worried about you when you're not even around.
An earful from security: Time to take a timeout, champ
• The upper-level leaner: Some would argue that the upper level at a hockey game offers the best view. That is, if the fan in front of you isn't sitting on the edge of his seat, his enormous head blocking half the ice. Sometimes a quick tap on the shoulder and a friendly request to sit back will fix the problem. But far too often, the offending party doesn't give a rat's you-know-what that he's spoiling your evening. Prepare to spend the entire game shifting in your seat, trying to locate the puck and get a glimpse of the action around the goal. Sit behind a "leaner" for one game and you'll never do it again. I promise.
• The couple that doesn't wait for a pause in the action: They don't need to play by the rules, they want their $9 beers and they want them now. First they make you stand with a minute to play in the quarter so they can beat the rush at the concession line, then they return midway through the next quarter, blocking several rows of fans on the way back to their seats. Some stadiums' ushers are told to hold fans in the tunnel until there's a break in the action, but there are always those choice dillholes who sneak through. Baseball fans who come and go during at-bats are by far the worst. There's enough downtime during a baseball game to finish a New York Times crossword, so there's no need to make a move when a pitch is in the air.
Ejected! Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye
• The drunken disaster: This guy apparently doesn't understand the value of a dollar. He's dropping as much as a couple hundred bucks to stumble in and out of a game he'll never remember. Dude, if you wanna get blackout drunk and wake up with no recollection of the previous night's events, just blow a twenty on a couple of Four Lokos and watch the game at home. Best-case scenario, this guy gets up to go the bathroom too much and spills half his beer on you. Worst case, he vomits on your lap, trips and knocks you down the stairs or permanently scars your kids with his repeated f-bombs. Speaking of potty-mouths ...
• The potty-mouthed racist homophobe: I can get one heck of an attitude when people tick me off, but I try not to get into too many verbal altercations at games. That being said, there are two things that get me all lathered up and unable to keep my mouth shut: racial and homophobic slurs. If someone utters either, I immediately ask them politely, but firmly, to please stop. Usually that's enough, but one time a foul-mouthed fan sitting behind me with his two young kids told me he'd use whatever words he wanted and proceeded to yell homophobic slurs for the rest of the game. My heart broke when his son, no more than 7 years old, started to yell out whatever he heard his dad yell, word for word.
Banned for life: Don't come around here no more
• Guys looking for a fight: These jabrones seek out fans of the opposing team and try to make their game-day experience as terrible as possible. These are the idiots who throw things, threaten strangers and are willing to come to blows over something as stupid as the color of another person's jersey. It doesn't occur to these goons that if they'd been born a few cities over, they'd likely be a fan of the rival team. Rather than allow that kind of logic to invade their pea-sized brains, they get drunk and look for someone to pummel. If you wouldn't spit on a stranger at the grocery store, why in the world would you do it at a ballgame? These meatheads are the lowest form of sports fan and don't deserve a second chance.
• People who start and/or contribute to the wave: I bet some of you are thinking this isn't a "banned for life" offense. Well, you're wrong. The last good wave was in the movie "When Harry Met Sally." If you've participated in one at any time since 1990, please turn in your fan card and proceed to the nearest exit.
• Hockey fans who yell, "Shoot!" as soon as the puck passes the blue line.
• Wannabe broadcasters who shout out facts about the players on the field as loudly as possible, hoping to impress those around them.
• Longtime fans who complain about bandwagoners. A "real fan" loves the game and understands why other people might wanna get in on the fun.
• People who boo their own team. Why take away your team's home-field advantage?
• Football fans who cheer during their team's offensive possessions and don't get loud when the other team's facing a big third down.
• The guy a row in front of you with the plumber's crack and the girl with the "whale tail."
• People too busy texting to look up at the field.
• That girl with a pound of makeup on who thinks it's cute to be clueless about sports.
• The idiot bro who's feeding his date wrong information about the team, assuming she won't know the difference.
• The heckler who decides on one terribly unimaginative insult and repeats it over and over all game long.
• The chick with the long hair who flips it over the back of her seat and into your beer.
• The pack of middle-aged men who get drunk and make inappropriate comments to women half their age.