Filing my fantasy football grievances

On Aug. 28, Andy Mousalimas celebrated an anniversary more monumental than a wedding or a birthday. It was the 50th anniversary of his first fantasy football draft.

Fantasy football is back. It's time for endless hours of punishment, listening to the annoying guy in the cubicle next to you who won't shut up about his team. How do you gently tell him no one cares? Since you can't say it, I'll say it for you.

I bet these are some of the other fantasy football grievances you have:

  • Are you the person who leaves injured players in the starting lineup for weeks? If so, have a seat.

  • Finish this spreadsheet for work or set my lineup?

  • How annoying is it when you send someone a trade proposal and they don't respond?

  • Why must you insult my intelligence and ask me to trade Tom Brady for your random kicker?

  • When you talk about your 15 fantasy leagues at the bar, do you really think anyone is listening?

  • Are you playing in your fantasy football office league just so you can earn points with the boss?

  • Why is it that the serious fantasy dude -- with the whiteboard, 10 fantasy football magazines and an emergency red phone to call the team owner during a draft -- always lives at the bottom of the standings?

  • Dear fantasy gods, will you please forgive my mistakes and show me the light, or at least a way to hack the system so I can unfreeze my roster and get that inactive player on my bench?

  • Doesn't it feel blasphemous to cheer for your rival team just so your defense can get points?

  • Dude, when will you stop saying you could do a better job managing a team than Miami Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland? (Let's be honest, though, just about anyone can be a better manager than Ireland, right?)

  • Don't you realize that just because you got your Al Bundy on in high school and scored four touchdowns in a single game doesn't mean you're going to dominate your league? (And when are you going to stop telling that ridiculous high school football story, anyway? No one believes you played quarterback, kicker and on the O-line in one game.)

  • Hey, you, with the vulgar, sexist and just straight-up gross team name: Do you really think that's hot?

  • Is there some sort of challenge rule if a replacement referee messes up your fantasy points?

  • You've known you had the No. 1 pick for the past two weeks! Why are you using the whole clock?

  • Why is it the person who talks the most trash always turns out to be the crappiest manager?

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