Reviewing a parade of failure
In case you were too busy figuring out a way to negotiate a two-month summer vacation, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
And the award for ultimate Twitter troll fail goes to … the Baltimore Ravens!
On Tuesday, as the Miami Heat were celebrating their NBA title with a victory parade, the Ravens' social media team decided to take a jab at the day's festivities.
While the Miami streets certainly look sparse in the posted picture, especially in comparison with the hordes of Baltimore fans featured, it was not, you know, an actual indication of the number of people celebrating. Approximately 400,000 people came out for the Heat on Tuesday. The Ravens' parade drew a grand total of ... 200,000. Womp womp.
There are so many jokes you can make about Miami fans (See: Twitter any time the Heat are playing), but the one thing you can never criticize them for is their partying skills. Heck, half the time they leave at the end of the third quarter to go celebrate something. And I don't think anyone would exactly call Baltimore the "party capital of the world." Or even the party capital of Maryland, for that matter.
In related news, NBA TV ran an ad this week for world champion San Antonio Spurs official gear. Too bad no one bothered to clue in those 400,000 Heat fans.
Facts are obviously overrated this week.
He's just not that into you
If you have any doubt that the Lakers want Dwight Howard to stick around, a simple (or traffic-ridden) drive around Los Angeles would change your mind. Billboards plastered all over the city feature a photo of Howard with a bold "STAY" and a "#StayD12" hashtag.
I don't know about you, but if I were friends with the Lakers, I would tell them to stop looking so desperate. Men don't like being chased! Gosh, Lakers, didn't you learn anything from Cosmo?
According to sources, Howard is planning on leaving the purple and gold during the offseason and there is little the team can do to convince him otherwise. So why don't you get over it, Lakers? There are so many other fish in the sea! You're too good for him! You don't deserve this! Why don't you turn on a Lifetime movie, drown your sorrows in a big bowl of ice cream and figure out how you can get another big-name free agent.
Why not draft Nerlens Noel with the second pick?
The Harlem Globetrotters held their annual player draft Tuesday, prompting tens and tens of fans to speculate exactly whom the Washington Generals would take with their picks.
The legendary Globetrotters selected Brittney Griner first. Griner graciously rejected the offer almost immediately because, you know, she already plays on a team. The Mercury rookie reportedly had told the team in advance that she would turn them down if they drafted her. Maybe that memo got lost in the mail.
While it seems odd the Globetrotters would use their first pick on Griner knowing she wouldn't play for them, I guess it makes sense considering it is a one-team draft and the team can sign players whenever it wants. For what it's worth, they also selected Mariano Rivera. Yes, the same Mariano Rivera who plays for the Yankees. In their defense, it would be a pretty quick commute for him.
At least one football player did something positive this week
If you want to feel really bad about your workouts at the gym, check out this clip of Cardinals rookie Robert Gill. The former collegiate track star runs 25 mph on the treadmill. Somehow it looks even more insane than it sounds.
Sounds like a good idea to me
On Monday, Metta World Peace did his best Ashton Kutcher impression and tried to punk his fans. In an online video announcement posted to his website, he shared that he would be teaming up with Terrell Owens for a reality show. For a brief moment, it felt like all was right with the world.
The controversial athletes are seemingly made for each other: World Peace, a man whose name is World Peace and who first thanked his shrink after winning the NBA title, and Owens, the least-liked teammate of all time with a résumé that includes Arena football, professional bowling, not paying child support, crying on TV for not paying child support, crying on TV in support of his quarterback and, of course, other failed reality shows. If this combination didn't sound like a win to VH1, I don't know what would.
Unfortunately, the player formerly known as Ron Artest later shared that the whole thing was a joke. And the world was crushed by the harshness of this cruel world. However, if you've seen some of the programming on Bravo lately, there's a good chance the joke just parlayed them into at least a guest stint on one version of "The Real Housewives."
From Zero to Hero to Zero to … still Zero
In "I knew I should have bought DidGilbertArenasDoSomethingStupidThisWeek.com" news, former NBA star Gilbert Arenas did something stupid this week. Agent Zero was reportedly pulled over early Thursday morning for speeding and -- wait for it -- having a truck full of illegal fireworks.
But wait, there's more! Because of the sheer volume of fireworks, the Los Angeles bomb squad had to be called in to handle the removal. Yes, you read that correctly. The bomb squad.
So if you're heading to Arenas' Fourth of July party, bring your own sparklers.
Was Bobby Riggs involved in this somehow?
Andy Murray challenged Serena Williams to an exhibition match. She was as surprised as you are by the news.