A week of shameless displays
In case you were too busy getting your Shark Week on, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
How to earn some extra vacation days: NBA rookie edition
On Tuesday the NBA's latest rookie class headed to New Jersey for the league's Rookie Transition Program. The four-day symposium is designed to educate the players on life in professional basketball. While many players seem to get a lot out of the event, it appears Shabazz Muhammad cannot be counted as one of them.
On Tuesday night, hours after receiving the rules of the program, the Timberwolves' first-round pick got kicked out for violating the strict no-guest rule when he brought a lady friend into his hotel room.
To recap: Muhammad, the man whose draft stock plummeted after he was caught lying about his age in the spring, couldn't make it ONE NIGHT in a program designed to educate players about rules and appropriate behavior without breaking a rule.
Really, Bazz? You couldn't keep it together for four days? Or, heck, just one night? While this rule may seem silly for a 19-, er, 20-, er, however-old-you-are man, you're set to make $1.8 million from this league. You should probably do what they say. These rules are probably a lot easier than the ones you would have to abide by if you had a -- gasp -- regular job.
Muhammad will now have to attend the 2014 program with next year's rookie class. Hopefully he'll last at least 24 hours in his next attempt.
How to earn some extra vacation days (in a jail cell): NBA retiree edition
In "here's someone who probably should have paid a little more attention during the financial portion of the NBA Rookie Transition program" news, former All-Star Chris Gatling pleaded guilty this week to theft and forgery in connection with that time he squatted at a stranger's house and then tried to rent the house on Craigslist.
In case you've forgotten the story or somehow missed it the first time around, the 45-year-old former baller was accused in March of illegally occupying a house in Paradise Valley, Ariz., for over a year and then listing the property for rent. Gatling had reportedly even received a security deposit from a potential tenant but was reported to authorities after another would-be occupant became suspicious.
Drafted by the Warriors in 1991, Gatling played in the league for 11 seasons, made about $30 million and apparently no longer has enough money to pay the rent. There's a valuable lesson here, folks. If an ex-professional athlete is trying to rent you his home with no furniture, running water, etc., it probably really is too good to be true. Oh, and don't blow all your money if you're a professional athlete.
Oh, those wacky Manning brothers
Peyton and Eli Manning unsuccessfully try to rip off a "Saturday Night Live" sketch (with a name deemed unfit by Mickey Mouse) to make a cool couple of million in an endorsement deal. They win, we lose. Almost as much as Alexander Graham Bell.
I'm just hopeful that oldest Manning bro Cooper had a previous engagement called "dignity" that prevented his participation.
And seriously, guys, if you think football on a phone is a revolutionary idea in 2013, just wait until your parents tell you about this crazy new website called Facebook.
Think about your greatest accomplishment as a 10-year-old. If you're anything like me, it's a toss-up between making the elementary school basketball team, getting the American Girl doll Molly camp uniform or finally remembering what 7 times 8 is (56, for the record -- I still got it!).
But if you're anything like Lucy Li, it means competing at the U.S. Women's Amateur Championship. Guessing if you're reading this right now, you might be more like me than you want to admit.
Li, the youngest golfer in tournament history, narrowly missed the cut in Charleston, S.C. After a relatively disappointing 10-over on Monday, the 4-foot-11 dynamo shot 1-under in her Tuesday round. Let that sink in for a minute. A 10-year-old shot 1-under par in a tournament. I can safely say I didn't even know what par meant at 10.
And if you feel bad about yourself after reading this, think about how those competing against her feel. As one golf writer so nicely commented online, "many of her peers are old enough to be her mother!" I'm sure that's EXACTLY what they wanted to hear. Anyone else feeling really old and awful about yourself right now? Moving on.
When all else fails, blame Madonna
I was determined to not contribute any further to this week's Johnny Manziel and Alex Rodriguez overload. But I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't share with you Ozzie Guillen's theory on Rodriguez's suspension.
its all madonnas fault. every athlete she has been with has gone bad. see canseco, rodman and now rodriguez lol lol lol— Ozzie Guillen FND (@OzzieGuillen) August 5, 2013
And now you know.
Reason No. 989 why you shouldn't look to pro athletes for parenting advice
Remember that time you were a minor league hockey player in Canada and your own father traded you to another team? No? Not ringing any bells? Well, it would if your name were Jake Gilmour.
NHL Hall of Famer and Kingston Frontenacs general manager Doug Gilmour traded his 16-year-old son (and another player) on Wednesday to the Niagara IceDogs in exchange for a conditional 12th-round pick in 2015 and some major cold shoulders around the family home.
Guessing good ol' Papa Gilmour was all like, "Gosh, I love my son and all, but I think I would really rather hang out with a 12th-round pick in a couple of years who will most likely not help our quest to win some games in the oh-so-revered Ontario Hockey League!" I want to share with you my guess for Mama Gilmour's thoughts on the trade, but I would also like to keep my job.
I've heard of tough love before, but I think this is a whole different level than that time your dad let you walk all the way to the corner with your suitcase packed to the brim with all of your dolls when you threatened to run away as an 8-year-old.
Is nothing sacred anymore?
If you needed another reason to justify your skepticism, allow me to show you this video of a failed marriage proposal at a minor league baseball game. Before you say, "Who wouldn't say no to someone who couldn't even do it a major league game?" I'm going to stop you right here. The whole thing was totally staged. And if that's not bad enough. It was staged by the team itself.
The New Britain Rock Cats, the Double-A affiliate of the Minnesota Twins, admitted the hoax on Wednesday in a statement saying they wanted the clip to go viral and "was intended to entertain fans you never know what you're going to see at a Rock Cats game." Oh.