A week of shock and awww
In case you were too busy coming up with a clever name for your fantasy football team, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
There goes that excuse
Colts rookie John Boyett was arrested early Monday morning in Indianapolis on charges of public intoxication, disorderly conduct and resisting law enforcement. After allegedly being refused entry to a bar due to belligerent behavior, Boyett was approached by a police officer. According to the
Indianapolis Star, he then "threw a stiff-arm at the officer" and fled down the street and through two alleyways to avoid arrest. When FOUR officers finally subdued him, he repeatedly told them, "You can't arrest me, I'm a Colts player!"
Unfortunately for Boyett, there is no law in Indiana preventing the arrest of a Colts player, and he was subsequently put in handcuffs and brought to jail. After the story made the social media rounds, the Colts announced they had released Boyett, poking yet another hole in his already questionable legal defense. No word if a law about not being able to arrest unemployed, disgraced football players exists.
Here are a lot of things you won't understand if you're over 35
During a July "Woman Crush Wednesday" on Instagram, Pistons center Andre Drummond professed his love for "iCarly" (that's a TV show, apparently, and not some sort of weird Apple product) star Jennette McCurdy. Because he's just a really nice guy or perhaps because of that professional athlete thing, the actress began following him back on all 325 of the social media accounts stars are required to have today. The two exchanged some public flirtations and finally arranged to meet last weekend.
According to tweets, Instagram photos, Vines, Snapchats and a pigeon carrier app (probably), the duo instantly hit it off and have been inseparable ever since.
If you're familiar with this column, you know this is the part where I make some snarky comment about this being a public relations ploy or romance in the digital age. But not today. These two are so adorable, I'm now getting my online justice of the peace certificate just in case they're interested in my services for their inevitable nuptials.
Not convinced of their relationship? Please enjoy some of their social media offerings. If you don't get the same sense of joy from viewing these as you do when watching puppy and kitten videos, then you should probably go see a cardiologist. You heartless jerk.
Ask and you shall receive. Or just get made fun of by the Internet.
It's no secret that the New Orleans Hornets, er, Pelicans aren't exactly an NBA powerhouse. Lucky for them, they have a brand-new unknown superstar begging to join the team for just $1 million per year for life.
OK, before all three of the Pelicans fans out there get too excited, the player in question is a fan who wrote a highly convincing letter to the team. That is, if the team were a writing and spelling clinic looking for needy students. Pelicans.com writer Jim Eichenhofer posted the letter to this Twitter account on Wednesday.
The letter writer, who has not been named, claims to be "better than KD LeBron James MJ Kobie Bryant." Ah, yes, good ol' Kobie Bryant. I'm going to assume that MJ and KD are really Matthew Johnson and Kevin Dole, two guys from a JV team in Michigan, and the LeBron James he's referring to is actually a toddler who is named after the NBA superstar.
He also shares that despite not playing for five years, he will be "top of the NBA in two years." Of course he will. Just around the time I plan on being the world's biggest pop star.
On the one hand, you can't fault a dude for trying. You can, however, fault a dude for wanting to play for the Pelicans when there are 29 other teams out there.
Better late than never
Chase Utley finally responded to the fan letter from Mac of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." Sure, it took five years for the second baseman to come up with a funny reply, but it's definitely worth it.
Please note the stickers next to Utley's signature. They make videos like this a grand slam.
Can you imagine what the world be like if Jordan cared about world peace?
Everyone's favorite diplomat is back at it again. I'll rephrase, everyone's favorite flamboyant, multicolored-hair-toting, self-marrying NBA Hall of Famer diplomat, that is. Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this week for his second visit with Kim Jong-un. The Worm told reporters the trip was to catch up with his dictator pal and possibly start a basketball league. Just like your last vacation, I'm sure.
Rodman has offered conflicting statements about whether he will attempt to negotiate the release of jailed American Kenneth Bae with Kim, but did tweet in the spring that he was hoping the North Korean leader would, ahem, do him "a solid and cut Kenneth Bae loose." Bae's son told ABC News that Rodman was his last best hope for his father's return. With all due respect to the situation, please read this last paragraph again. Dennis Rodman is America's best hope to free an imprisoned missionary in North Korea. This is real life, people. And I'm really, really scared for us all.
Over the weekend, Nashville Predators center Mike Fisher and his country superstar wife Carrie "Somehow my hair always looks perfect even when I'm just lounging at home chasing rodents" Underwood discovered an unwanted visitor in their seemingly really expensive bathroom. Tough guy Fisher wasted no time in wrangling the chipmunk from behind the toilet. Underwood, for her part, wasted no time in filming the adventure and posting on Vine. You won't blame her when you see how cute her hair looks.
A few moments later, Underwood posted another video in which Fisher revealed he had been bitten by little Alvin, Simon or Theodore. Coming on stronger than ever before! Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. I'll stop here.