Coach K's crush is least of our worries
In case you were too busy nursing a football hangover, here's the best of the email and Twitter fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Just disappointed he didn't attempt the 'Single Ladies' dance
With four NCAA titles, back-to-back gold medals with Team USA and having one of the hardest names to spell in all of sports, you would think nothing would faze Duke men's basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski. You would be wrong.
In a speech to students waiting for season tickets on Sunday, Coach K shared that he turned into an awkward, stuttering creeper when he met Beyoncé. The 66-year-old legend met Queen B and her husband, some guy named Jay-Z, while presenting SI's Sportsman of the Year award to LeBron James last December. After working up the nerve to approach her, Coach K channeled his inner Sasha Fierce and stumbled his way through a conversation.
"I go up to Beyoncé, and you know how guys think they have a lot of good lines? I go up and I'm nervous as I can be. I'm like a teenager. And I go to her with a great line. I say, 'Hi, I'm Coach K.' And she said, 'Coach, I know who you are. I just listened to you for 10 minutes.' Like, patting me on the head, little boy. So now I feel like I'm 11. So what's my next line? I come up and I say, 'You're my favorite.' My face is red as can be, you know, I'm like 4 feet tall right now. And she says, 'Well, that's nice.' And I asked her -- and I don't usually do this -- but I said, 'Would you take a picture with me?' "
The photo of a totally red-faced Krzyzewski and a slightly creeped-out-looking Beyoncé quickly made the media rounds in December. Now we thankfully have an explanation for their appearances.
Bumbling and starstruck, Coach K really is just like us! That is, if you're wealthy or famous enough to be in a position to meet Beyoncé and hang out with LeBron James.
I can't help but wonder what Mrs. K had to say about this. Guessing when he came home she was all like, "to the left, to the left." You know, or something like that.
Serena Williams may have won the U.S. Open, but her frenemy Sloane Stephens easily gets the trophy for best tennis tweet of the week.
My Grandparents love to watch me play tennis, but I think they love watching me do yard work at their house more.
— Sloane Stephens (@sloanetweets) September 9, 2013
Take notes, NFL players
For years I have stood on my lonely soapbox arguing that choreographed end zone dances should be required by the NFL. I am pleased to announce I have discovered two others who might support my cause. Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake performed "The Evolution of End Zone Dancing" on Monday night, complete with dances like the "I Thought I Just Saw Aaron Hernandez," "Taking a Selfie" and "Manti Te'o on a Date." All sure to be staples in the end zone for years to come.
Sad to say, revered former touchdown dancer Chad Johnson/Ochocinco was not a part of this. I find it hard to believe he had other things to do.
This never would have happened with any of the blokes from The Wanted
Louis Tomlinson from your little sister/daughter's favorite band One Direction played in a charity soccer match in Scotland on Sunday. Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhh! Sorry for yelling, I thought those tween screams were necessary after mentioning the name of anyone in One Direction.
Tomlinson was forced to leave the game after taking a hard tackle from Aston Villa striker Gabriel Agbonlahor, an actual soccer player who seemed to forget the match was supposed to be a friendly game for charity. The Directioner slowly limped to the sideline and then promptly threw up everywhere. I can't wait to see this lovely image on the next cover of Tiger Beat.
Because no one gets away with hurting a member of One Direction without hearing from hordes of junior high-aged girls (see: Swift, Taylor), Agbonlahor found his Twitter feed littered with threats and hopes that he would get cancer. Awww, preteen girls really are the best, aren't they? Seeing as the match came together in honor of Stiliyan Petrov, a former soccer player who is battling leukemia, these threats seem to be particularly ironic -- a concept that apparently isn't taught until high school.
On Wednesday, the nation mourned the tragic events of Sept. 11, 2001. The social media spheres were filled with beautiful tributes, pictures and stories to remember those who lost their lives. The hashtag #NeverForget was a trending topic on Twitter throughout the day. And while the concept of such a hashtag is pretty simple to understand, the Lakers tried to put their own spin on it. After the team posted a picture of Kobe Bryant during his brief Afro phase with "#NEVERFORGET" written across it, the Internet instantly exploded with anger.
At first glance, the picture seems to be in extremely poor taste. However, Kobe is wearing the commemorative 9/11 patch on his jersey and the image is from the 2001-02 season. Nonetheless, the Lakers immediately deleted the post and apologized for how the tweet may have come across. Still have to wonder how a team as savvy as the Lakers thought this was a good idea in the first place. I feel confident that they had approximately 9,438,739,475 better photo options at their disposal.
… But somehow it gets worse
Thankfully for the Lakers (and unthankfully for society), a Wisconsin golf course somehow found a way to make everyone forget about the Kobe picture while simultaneously offending every single person ever. Tumbledown Trails Golf Course offered a special Sept. 11 deal in which golfers could play nine holes (with cart!) for $9.11. Because nothing says "let's commemorate one of the worst tragedies in America's history" like a great deal at a golf course.
Unsurprisingly, everyone who viewed the deal on the Web was outraged because ... duh. This is the worst idea in the history of ideas. And I'm saying this the same week Arsenio Hall got another late-night show.
The course apologized and canceled the promotion, but somehow didn't seem to understand why people were upset by it, saying they were "hurt" by the backlash and "thought people would appreciate it." Of course, those at the course have since received death threats because what better way to express outrage over exploitation of tragic losses of life than threatening to take someone's life. I'm going to end this segment here because everything and everyone in it is just awful.
You go, Glen Coco, er, Lolo
In a week when many people offended, Lolo Jones was not one of them. This incredible feat probably deserves some One Direction-esque shrieks of delight.
This column's second-favorite track star-turned-bobsledder (after Derice Bannock from "Cool Runnings," natch) posted an Instagram video in which she poked fun at her lack of Olympic medals by stealing those of her Winter Olympic teammates. It's funny and got no negative blog posts. Thus it definitely needed to be shared.