Metta makes most sense in zany week
In case you were too busy feeling uncomfortable during Jimmy Kimmel and Kanye West's feud/conversation/whatever that was, here's the best of the email and Twitter fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Feel grateful you're not a professional athlete if THIS is a job requirement
The Miami Heat proved that posing for cameras while looking attractive -- yet tough! -- is actually a difficult task. So I will now publicly apologize to Kate Upton for making fun of standing and looking pretty in front of a camera as a profession.
LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and the rest of the gang participated in a video shoot for what will presumably be the pregame team introduction video at American Airlines Arena this season. Lucky for us, a member of the team's social media group posted several images and videos from the shoot. I have no idea if Bikram CrossFit is a thing, but if not, LeBron James might have just created it. The reigning MVP goes shirtless while he pushes tires and lifts heavy ropes while wearing a massive gold (actual) chain in some sort of fiery apocalyptic garage.
Perhaps this is just beyond-obvious symbolism to show us all he works best with/in the heat? Or maybe it's just because "The Walking Dead" is coming back on Sunday and he wants to prove he's ready to battle walkers with Rick while still rocking major hardware and remarkably clean laundry. I honestly have no idea, so just enjoy the clip below.
Of course this happened
The Olympic torch arrived in Moscow on Sunday, and Russian president Vladimir Putin ceremoniously lit the flame in Red Square to kick off the four-month relay of the torch to Sochi for the 2014 Winter Games. In what's probably the best metaphor for the already contentious Sochi Olympics, the torch almost immediately went out as the relay got under way in a wind tunnel and needed to be relit with a Zippo lighter from a spectator.
So what did we learn here, kids? Don't take an Olympic flame through a wind tunnel, Zippo lighters do in fact still exist, and these Olympic Games will be as fascinating and controversial as expected.
If you don't watch 'Nashville,' this will read like a foreign language. Y'all!
Like a lyric in a Taylor Swift song, actress Hayden Panettiere announced her engagement to boxer Wladimir Klitschko on "Live with Kelly and Michael" while donning a python around her neck. Sing it with me now, it's a love story, baby just say yessss.
The 5-foot-1 "Nashville" star and the 6-6 reigning WBA, IBF and WBO heavyweight champion have been dating on-and-off and creating countless height jokes since 2009. Rumors have swirled over the past few months of their engagement but it had not been confirmed until Wednesday. Kelly Ripa asked Panettiere about the ridiculously large diamond ring on her hand while she was petting an even more ridiculously large snake. Perhaps fearing the snake would eat her before the world got to know the answer, the actress nonchalantly confirmed the news. Whew.
I'm now left wondering, will this work out better than the marriage to that Tim Tebow-like character? How will she deal with her mom no longer around to plan such a big day? WILL DEACON BE INVITED?
Sorry, I thought we were talking about Juliette Barnes for a second. Here's to hoping Connie Britton's hair is featured prominently in all tabloid photos of the wedding nonetheless.
'Metta's World!' Party Time! Excellent!
For any Knicks fans questioning the signing of Metta World Peace, this video will undoubtedly quell your fears. Because there clearly is a God, or at least someone above who understands awkward comedy, the man formerly known as Ron Artest was given a microphone at the team's media day for the debut of his new digital series "Metta's World." With questions like "What's your favorite toe?" and "What's the point of this banana?" World Peace gets the hard-hitting answers you never thought you needed to know.
Attention, friends: Please have a wedding just like this one
If Alex Morgan and Sydney Leroux's social media feeds are any indication, the U.S. women's national soccer team knows how to throw a pretty good wedding. Abby Wambach tied the knot with fellow soccer star Sarah Huffman on Saturday in Hawaii with many of their peers in attendance. Morgan, Leroux and others documented their days in paradise online, showing the team hitting the beach, going cliff jumping and enjoying other amazing adventures most of us can only daydream about from our office cubes.
Wambach, who had never publicly disclosed her sexuality, and Huffman play together for the Western New York Flash in the National Women's Soccer League and have reportedly been quietly dating since 2011. The two broke their silence about their relationship with separate tweets on Wednesday.
Sarah and I wanted to thank everyone for all the love and support. We couldn't be happier. What an amazing week it's been. #honeymoon— Abby Wambach (@AbbyWambach) October 9, 2013
By far best week of my life.Thank u for the support &well wishes.(Our boys were missed but dressed for the occasion) pic.twitter.com/FM9OPO21u5— Sarah Huffman (@shuffman14) October 10, 2013
In a really fascinating sign of the times, most of the buzz about the wedding on the sports blogosphere has been about some racy, Miley Cyrus-esque pictures posted by Morgan and Leroux and NOT about the same-sex marriage of an international sports star. While I'm not sure male writers drooling over pictures of bikini-clad female athletes should really ever be called "progress," I think in this case it might just be.
After winning the all-around title last week at the gymnastics world championships, Simone Biles ended her triumphant week with the bronze medal on the balance beam. Finishing behind her, in fourth and fifth place, were Italians Vanessa Ferrari and Carlotta Ferlito. In a post-competition interview, Ferlito told a reporter: "I told [Vanessa] that next time we'll have our skin black also so we can win, too."
I don't speak Italian, but I am fairly certain that no matter which language that's said in, it's really, really racist and not funny. After international outrage ensued, Ferlito apologized on Twitter on Tuesday, explaining she "didn't want to sound rude or racist." Which is odd because her comments sounded rude and racist.
In an effort that was supposedly aimed at helping Ferlito, the Italian Gymnastics Federation posted an explanation of her comments on their Facebook page. They attributed different athletic abilities to race. What year is it again? Have we all somehow inadvertently boarded a time machine back 80 years? Even Paula Deen must have been shaking her head at this one.
Maybe Barney is available as a replacement?
The most beloved member of the Toronto Raptors suffered a devastating injury and will miss the entire season. Obviously, I'm referring to the Toronto Raptors mascot. The man who lives in the costume tore his Achilles during an exhibition in Halifax this week and will be out for the entire 2013-14 schedule. A shattering blow for Raptors fans to be sure.
Cathal Kelly of the Toronto Star summarized the profound effect of the news best.
"You could make a pretty good argument that the Chicken (a.k.a. The Raptor) is this franchise's standout performer. He's a Canadian all-star. A 19-year veteran. Doesn't have off years. Appreciates our TV selection. There have been nights -- oh God, so many nights -- when the only reason to stick around past the third quarter was to see the Inflatable Raptor 'eat' security guards on the sideline. We're not sure what he's paid. We're sure it's not enough."
All and all, very sad news indeed. And not just because the most beloved member of the Toronto Raptors is a purple dinosaur. Eh, never mind. That really is why.
Let's just close this thing out with cute animals
Because this week has left me somewhat speechless, I will now leave you with this adorable compilation video of animals eating watermelon.