A Wozniacki plea for privacy? Oh, please
In case you were too busy rethinking your Oreo addiction, here's the best of the email and Twitter fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Why can't we just let them do the things they wanna do?
For the 785,986,349th time, rumors swirled this week about the demise of preppy sports super-couple Rory McIlroy and Caroline Wozniacki. Over the weekend, the Irish Independent reported that the former No. 1 golfer broke up with the former No. 1 tennis player due to the less-than-flattering picture of him sleeping that she posted on Twitter a few weeks ago. Media outlets around the world went into a tizzy about the news. Probably because it gave them another excuse to run this picture of McIlroy.
Because a whole three days had gone by without the two communicating in front of millions of people on social media, it seemed all but confirmed that the lovebirds had split. Thankfully, before the tears on our mascara-stained cheeks could dry, Woz told a Danish newspaper that the couple were still very much together. HALLELUJAH. She continued by essentially quoting the 2004 Lindsay Lohan classic, "Rumors."
"I'm so tired of the rumors. They occur every time Rory and I are apart a few days or do not write on Twitter. There is nothing in it, and from now on I just think that I will keep my private life private. It is so annoying that the media and the so-called sources constantly spread the rumors. They write just what they want."
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BACK UP OFF HER? WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LET HER LIVE? Oh right, probably because she posts pictures and details of every moment of her life for all the world to see. Regardless, let's just all breathe a collective sigh of relief that our beloved Woznilroy is still putting and serving on, and that Lindsay Lohan no longer records music.
Seeking person who may have once watched a football game to be an NFL QB
A willingness to be the punch line in countless jokes should probably be part of the job description for Cleveland Browns quarterback, somewhere between passing the ball and being intercepted. Just ask current Browns QB Brandon Weeden. After a dismal performance Sunday against the Lions, including throwing quite possibly one of the worst interceptions ever, Weeden presumably expected to hear about his "boneheaded play" all week. He probably didn't expect to see his job posted on Craigslist.
A fan took to the site on Monday to express his frustration with the headline Quarterback Wanted. And it's pretty hilarious for anyone not named Brandon Weeden.
"Have you played pro football? College ball? High school? Pee-wee? Have you played Madden before? Do you sort of kind of know some of the rules of football? If yes, keep reading. If no, well also keep reading! We will take ANYONE. This could turn into a regular gig for the right person. … If you can throw a ball, come apply! If you can't, come anyway! We can teach you the basics ... throwing the ball to the guy who has the same color shirt as you."
I think it's really the "throwing the ball to the guy who has the same color shirt as you" part that drives the whole thing home. While I feel bad for Browns fans everywhere, between this and the lifelong fan asking for six former players to be pallbearers at his funeral to "let him down one last time," I'm convinced Cleveland's losses are our gains in the humor department. Keep on being you, Browns fans.
The time I combined Queen Elizabeth and Sweet Brown in a segment …
Based on absolutely no personal experience, there are very few acceptable excuses for being late to an appointment at Buckingham Palace. Yet somehow, Andy Murray found one. On his way to receive the coveted Officer of the Order of the British Empire medal from Prince William on Thursday, the reigning Wimbledon champion was stopped as he was leaving his house to participate in a random drug test.
These drug testers sure have impeccable timing, don't they? Maybe they were just trying to score an invitation to the palace to find a way to steal a scrunchie from Cressida Bonas.
Murray eventually made it to the ceremony and had a royal chuckle with good ol' Willy about the delay. I don't imagine the queen would have been as understanding about his tardiness and I picture her, in her most refined English accent, declaring, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Sadly, however, that scenario never had the chance to happen.
After the event, the Scot celebrated the award -- and a presumably negative drug test -- by letting his dog wear the medal on her collar. She promptly posted a picture on her Twitter account because she's Andy Murray's dog and she has a Twitter account. And more followers than you do. Carry on.
Order of the Border Empire pic.twitter.com/g7YD6sEOdP— Maggie May (@maggiemay_hem) October 17, 2013
The NBA: Where height jokes happen
Incoming NBA commissioner Adam Silver's picture of former NBA stars Muggsy Bogues and Yao Ming says it all. No additional commentary needed.
When eating a pound of regular bacon isn't enough
Warning for all those who are vegan, Kosher-observant, lactose-intolerant or just want to live past 35: This story is not for you. Texas Motor Speedway announced this week a brand-new creation debuting at the end of the month for NASCAR's AAA Texas 500 -- the Shake 'N Bacon Brew. And it is everything you've been dreaming of, or are now throwing up about. The $10 drink contains vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, bacon syrup (that's a thing?), candied bacon and half a bottle of Rahr & Sons Ugly Pug Black Lager. It joins an already-available bacon cotton candy at the raceway. Because you can never have too much bacon, says no cardiologist ever.
If your stomach and arteries are strong enough to have made it through that paragraph, here's a video of the making of the beverage. While you watch, I'm going to eat a salad or go for a run or just check my blood pressure.
Twitter loves Johnny Manziel, and Johnny Manziel loves Twitter. So it seems as natural as Kim Kardashian posting a selfie on Instagram to let the Internet decide the Texas A&M quarterback's Halloween costume.
Clay Travis from the website Outkick the Coverage asked readers for suggestions for Manziel's costume. Inspired by the enthusiasm, Manziel agreed to wear whatever Travis' readers and followers decided. Travis accepted nominations, then decided on 10 worthy candidates. Some of the standouts include Nicky Satan, Kenny Powers, AJ McCarron and the wrecking ball from the Miley Cyrus video. Sadly, my suggestion of an autograph broker did not make the cut. Can't imagine why.
In news that will surely make Bud Selig's day …
Turns out the men of the coveted 18- to 34-year-old demographic aren't the only ones bored by baseball. During Game 4 of the NLCS, members of the Cardinals were completely focused on … making the clubhouse-assigned police officer laugh. What? You thought I was going to say winning the game? Clearly that was just a bonus.