Clang! Embarrassing misses in NBA

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New Rocket Dwight Howard didn't exactly have a blast in his first game against his former Lakers teammates.

In case you were so overwhelmed by the surprisingly strong sports lineup Thursday night that you just huddled with anxiety under a blanket and watched "Parenthood," we've got you covered. Here's everything you missed in sports Thursday night.

You mad, bro?

Congratulations, Lakers fans, Dwight Howard finally helped your team win a game. The Rockets center and former Lakers star punch line faced his old team for the first time Thursday night. And now we understand why he tried to downplay the meeting ahead of time.

Howard missed seven free throws late in the game, which allowed the Lakers to stay in contention. Sharpshooting Steve Blake hit a 3-pointer with 1.3 seconds left to lift the Lake Show to a 99-98 victory in Houston. And you thought your last high school reunion was bad.

But at least Dwight Howard had fun out there! Right, Kobe? The injured superstar told reporters before the game that Howard was going to have a "great season" and that the two "speak every day." Clearly, Kobe is using his downtime to perfect his trolling skills. I don't hate this.

You do the math

Fifth-ranked Stanford beat third-ranked Oregon 26-20 on Thursday night, all but squashing the Ducks' hopes of playing for the national championship in January. Second-ranked Florida State should probably consider sending Stanford some flowers or a calculator or whatever smart kids are into these days as a thank-you present.

Former sports personality and FSU cowgirl Jenn Sterger pre-emptively warned the BCS broadcast team of the implications of a Florida State-Alabama title game.

Oh

Hey ladies! Looking for a sweet night out in the Twin Cities with your best girlfriends? If you're, like, saying, "OMG, ya!" right now, the Minnesota Timberwolves have the deal for you.

On Nov. 16 the team is hosting a Ladies Night Out promotion, and it has everything women love. For $18, you get a ticket, a drink and -- wait for it -- a DVD of the first season of "Girls." The oh-so-dreamy Kevin Love! Lena Dunham! Booze! Gosh, girls, what are you waiting for? I just hope they have men there who can explain the rules of basketball and a manicurist to do nails.

Here's a crazy idea, Timberwolves. If you want women to come to your games, how about developing a team that, gosh, I don't know, makes it to the playoffs this season? Seems that's been an impossible task during the past decade, but maybe, just maybe, that would get you the coveted female audience.

End rant.

Mayor Big Papi?

On Tuesday, the city of Boston sadly elected a new mayor to replace the sports-challenged Thomas Menino (see: here, here and here). While Marty Walsh won the election, a surprising number of Bostonians made it clear they wanted Big Papi to take on a second job and wrote his name in on the ballot. Of course. David Ortiz, obviously, hadn't bothered to   campaign or announce his intent to run.

While there is no official tally of the votes the World Series MVP received, it's impressive on account of that whole not running thing. And while we might never know what platforms Ortiz would have prioritized, we can at least guarantee he could have gotten his teammates' names right in a mayoral press conference and would have known how to motivate a crowd.

Gymnasts really are just like us!

Ever wonder what is going through a gymnast's head during a difficult tumbling pass? According to meme sensation McKayla Maroney, it's exactly what you'd expect.

Everybody hates Jeff

While the Dolphins' situation involving Richie Incognito and Jonathan Martin continues to develop, there is one detail that seems to be undisputed. No one likes general manager Jeff Ireland.

Warning: You might need some tissues for this one

On Sunday, 86-year-old Joy Johnson became the oldest woman to complete the New York City Marathon. She finished the race in 7 hours, 57 minutes and 41 seconds, despite taking a hard fall around the 20-mile mark. She refused the race medic's advice to go to the hospital because she was determined to complete her 25th race.

On Monday, Johnson spoke to Al Roker on the "Today" show about the accomplishment. She then went back to her hotel to take a nap and never woke up. Her sister found her on the bed, still wearing her laced-up sneakers. A day before the race, the San Jose resident told a reporter that she was going to "run until I drop" and "die in my tennis shoes." Turns out she did just that. Her daughter issued a statement and said, "At least she was running, the way she wanted to go."

I leave this without comment. Just take a second to appreciate this bittersweet story.

At least he's good for something

Let's end on a funny note with a classic clip that is sure to get your weekend started off right. Take it away, Toronto mayor and international headline Rob Ford!

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