If you want anything done, ask a woman
Since the beginning of time, women have tried desperately to prove we're smarter than men.
We thought we had settled the debate permanently when Eve persuaded Adam to eat the apple. Sure, some people think it was the downfall of humanity and sentenced us to a lifetime of strife, pestilence and disorder, but they miss the larger point: It proved what we were capable of.
Well, women have finally been granted another historic opportunity to call "scoreboard" on men for eternity and show that even though researchers discovered a man's brain is about 10 percent bigger than a woman's, most of that is just water weight.
You might not have noticed this, but two women are in position to solve arguably the two biggest crises in all of sports -- the NFL lockout and major college football's lack of a true playoff system.
If a higher court decides to support U.S. District Judge Susan Richard Nelson's ruling to lift the NFL lockout -- a decision that could come Monday -- then the 59-year-old mother of two should be awarded the title of most beloved woman in America.
Sorry, Mila Kunis.
Nelson should be the favorite for Time magazine's Person of the Year. Give her the 2011 NFL MVP. Forget about Peyton Hillis, put Nelson on the Madden cover. NFL players should sew Nelson's picture on their jerseys. Fans should storm her courtroom in St. Paul, Minn., and give her one of those slow, dramatic claps that always seemed to make their way into John Hughes movies.
A Nelson victory would make a big statement on behalf of womankind, but because of Christine Varney's NCAA inquiry, women are in a position to land a rare double strike in the gender war.
Varney, the Department of Justice's antitrust chief, sent a piercing letter to NCAA president Mark Emmert last week asking why big-time college football doesn't use a playoff system and warning him that the current format used to determine a college football champion might be a violation of antitrust laws.
Varney appeared to be throwing an uppercut swing at the Bowl Championship Series, which oversees the college football national championship. Varney wanted to know what steps the NCAA has taken to create a playoff, why there's a playoff in other NCAA sports but not at the top level of football, and whether Emmert believes that there any characteristics of the BCS that don't serve the fans, schools or players.
There are a lot of college football fans who are ecstatic that this woman decided to "nag."
Varney indicated in the letter that Utah attorney general Mark Shurtleff plans to file an antitrust lawsuit. Although it's debatable how much impact government involvement can have on creating a college football playoff at the FBS level, Varney's letter at least made a lot of fans feel hopeful.
The irony here is that women are often stereotyped as being irrational, too emotional and unable to lead. Sports is supposedly our kryptonite, yet here we are playing a key role in saving the two biggest sports in America.
Ladies, feel free to join me in a Nelson Muntz-esque laugh.
Of course, if Varney and Nelson are successful in fixing college and pro football, it's only fair not only that women should be declared the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity -- let's just forget about that whole Adam and Eve misunderstanding, OK? -- but that men should have to relinquish certain freedoms as a show of gratitude.
American men would no longer have the right to complain about our driving, romantic comedies, "Real Housewives" spin-offs or Oprah.
They would forfeit the right to complain about how much we complain.
Forget about ever winning an argument against us.
You will call the next day.
You will admit you don't know how to fix something.
And you will surrender the remote.
Maybe Nelson and Varney will finally prove that Margaret Thatcher was right. If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
In other words, scoreboard.Jemele Hill can be reached at email@example.com. The views expressed in this article are complete sarcasm. Complaints can be forwarded to the National Organization for Women.